Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Far, Far Away
By
Michael C. Riedlinger
Editor-In-Chief

Anyone who has met and spoke with me for any length of time has typically been treated to two of my favorite subjects: Star Wars and Soccer. Hell, I even confuse people here in the States by calling it football. If the subjects don’t come up somehow, then usually tattoos have in some way, and I’ve got one for each, on each shoulder. On the left is a Mandalorian emblem, and on the right is the crest for Manchester United. These facts are well known to my friends, so last week they all started sending me the same video, over and over. Even my ex-wife sent it to me in a rare show of “no one loves soccer and Star Wars more than this guy”. So then, why don’t I love the new Addidas World Cup commercial featuring Chalmun’s Cantina in Mos Eisley from Star Wars?

Pretty much the coolest idea ever

We tune in only because we know the characters, forgiving massive plot holes and shoddy acting in favor of familiarity, and we do it to the tune of billions (with a “B”) every summer. For the company shoving a crappy ball down the collective throats of the world’s best players, maybe it makes sense to emulate a model that has sold us sparkly vampires and nameless Decepticon fodder.

This is the only ball you're looking for...

Fuck you, Alan Tudyk
By
Michael C. Riedlinger
Editor-in-Chief

Transformers 2 was the biggest piece of soulless cinematic crap this side of the centennial divide. The film was poorly written, poorly directed, and all too often “we’ll fix it in post” was used as an excuse for making a film in the same way Ed Wood used to make his “masterpieces”. Now comes word that genre favorite, Alan Tudyk, famed for dying on screen far too often, has signed on for Transformers 3. I guess he looked at it as a way to finally kill his last shred of dignity on film too.

Please Note: This is only the opinion of a lone nut living in the Wisconsin wilds. They in no way reflect the thinking of the Dorkgasm staff, editors, contributors, sponsors, or anyone else, humanity-wide. I am my own person, and as such am a big boy. I tell it how I see it, and I would expect your wussies to do the same. Beware the strong, fucking language So, here we go. Another Oscar night in the can, and nothing to show for it. Oh, sure. Heath Ledger got a posthumous Oscar for playing a comic book villian, but anyone who thinks the performance had anything to do with it is either sadly mistaken or stoned out of their fucking gourd.

Dear Mr. Bay

I would like to ask you to please handle your mining of my childhood with a little more tact in the future. The 1980's were good times for me, and I'd really prefer if you handle the Transformers, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th, with a little more finesse than your average carjacker.

On my morning commute a few weeks ago, back before the seas ran retarded with people flocking to see the Dark Knight, I was listening to the radio. Call me old fashioned, but when driving the wide open pitch black roads of Southern Wisconsin before the sun has said hello, I venture on the safe side and allow for the possibility messages from the emergency broadcast system, rather than MP3's or CDs.

I Guess They'll Never Get It By J. Sternberg             I originally saw the CSI Episode entitled "Urban Hellraisers" months ago, and until it showed up again on my DVR, I had pretty much written it off. All initial outrage fades when exposure is minimized, but it had to show up again, and now I have to get it out.

A Sad State of Affairs (or the tazers for prosperity project) By J. Sternberg             I'm sure by now we've all seen the trailer. Superhero Movie is coming soon to a theater near you. Also in theaters, is Will Ferrell plays a totally obnoxious jackass with a profession of some kind part 180, the sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel, yadda yadda WHAT THE FUCK????

Other Site's Game Reviewers and Why They Suck By Gerald Robinson So here's a quickie I needed to get out of my system after I read it. I was trolling Gamespot.com reading their new reviews when I came across the review for Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles on the Wii. Sweet, right? I want the game and will probably have it in a week or two, so lets see what everyone is saying about it. For those of you outside of the loop, Gamespot likes to list "The Good" and "The Bad" about each game at the beginning of the review. Often times this is good enough to get a feel for everything they're about to say and occasionally the only thing you need to bother looking at.