Dorkgasm - On the Pot

Super Mario Advance 2: Super Mario World

kenneth.holm — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 22:56:20 +0000

On The Pot Super Mario Advance 2: Super Mario World A Review by Kenneth Holm Dorkgasm Senior Staff Writer Yes folks, the time has come to worship the porcelain god again. I know what you are thinking. While Bass Fishing Monthly is a perfectly legitimate periodical, it just does not sit right with a dork. So, what are you to do? I will tell you. Fire up the old Game Boy Advance and slap in Super Mario Advance 2: Super Mario World. Many video gamers will recognize SMA2 as a repackaging of the old Super Nintendo game Super Mario World. This game was made with some serious bowel movements in mind. With over ninety-six levels eventually available to you, you will never be lost for something to do. Unlike its SNES brethren, SMA2 allows you to save your game in progress at anytime. Stuck on Chocolate Island 2? Save it! Cannot quite get the hang of the Donut Secret House? SAVE IT! Just seeing the opening title will hit a lot of gamers with a flood of nostalgia. Do not worry, though. If you, like me, have already beaten the shit (Man, I’m funny) out of the first one, SMA2 throws a couple zingers into the game that were not there the first time. You may notice a marked increase of enemies in some levels. Some certain secrets are not in the same place that you might remember them being. However, one of the spiffiest innovations is still included. Yes, I am talking about the frustrating Star Road. Not only are all the Star Road Portals accessible over time, but the Special Zone is here, too. All twenty gut-retching levels of it. This game will bring back memories and take you back to a place where a good game was just a good game, no matter the technology. If you, for some God-unknown reason, get bored with Super Mario World, you can also try your hand at some classic Mario Brothers action. Play the classic arcade game with some added features, and you will remember how much fun this game actually was. Stomp the turtles, hit that pesky POW block, and befuddle your plumber brother in the best ways possible. This game is classic, and I am thrilled it has been included in this collection. Of course, the game is not perfect. The controls have been remapped, and my fat, adult-sized thumbs have lost a bit of the agility they once had. A couple trips to the crapper, though, and you will be back in business like it was the 90’s all over again. The small levels and numerous secrets will have you coming back for more, perhaps even having to fake an evacuation just so you can get a couple more levels in before work. This is just another reason why Nintendo was on top of the world then, and is close to reclaiming their crown today. I cannot even think of a reason why you should not get this game and enjoy it for all its worth.

Naruto: Ninja Council 3

kenneth.holm — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 04:57:20 +0000

Dropping Naruto Off at the Pool By Kenneth Holm Dorkgasm Senior Staff Writer Okay, ladies and gents! It’s time to poo again, and you need something to do. The new issue of Reader’s Digest can go unread this time, though. Just grab your trusty Nintendo DS and a copy of Naruto: Ninja Council 3, and you will be set. Naruto: Ninja Council 3 takes place… well; there really is not a time period this takes place in. The best estimate I can give you is it takes place during the Sasuke Saga, during which Naruto joins pervert professional Jiriya in tracking down Tsunade. If these names mean nothing to you, that is quite okay. You do not need a backlog of Naruto storyline to enjoy this game. Essentially, the game consists of a series of mini-games, or missions, in which you have a certain task to accomplish. The missions can range from killing some giant spiders, to collecting ninja weapons, to beating certain characters from the anime. As you can probably tell, the mini-game structure of the game makes it perfect for some throne abuse. The game starts with you in the role of stalwart boy ninja Naruto Uzumaki. The first mission is to apply the beatdown to his teacher, Kakashi. Once you have taken Kakashi to school (Heh. I made a funny), the character roster expands to encompass many figures who have worked with Naruto in past missions, including Sasuke, Sakura, Neji, Kiba, Rock Lee, and Shino. Most of the characters you know and love will make an appearance at some point or another during this game, and most of them are playable.

Twenty characters in all are available to play as, but that really doesn’t mean anything. The signature jutsus, or magic, from all of the characters are interchangeable. All of the characters have four open spots for jutsus, with some of their own signature moves taking up to three spots. Some, however, only have one signature move, so it is fun to mix and match different moves with the people who do not have anything similar. Just the thought of taking Shino, who is my favorite character, and giving him the Rasengen, Chidori, and Primary Lotus jutsus is just awesome. After you complete each mission, the game automatically saves your progress. This is so handy, because after people start yelling at you for being on the crapper so long, you can sometimes forget to save your game. All in all, I would recommend this game for some hardcore pooping. The missions are bite-sized, with each one taking no more than five minutes. The availability of your favorite ninjas is just the icing on this feature-packed cake. Believe it!

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End DS

kenneth.holm — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 23:08:57 +0000

On The Pot:
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World¹s End
Available on the Nintendo DS

By: Kenneth Holm
Senior Staff Writer

Okay, it’s time to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, if you know what I mean. I should take a game in with me to ease the time passage! While most of my other games are too involved to take along, one game always makes the trip with me.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Worlds End is a side scrolling 2.5D beat 'em up in the tradition of Final Fight and Streets of Rage. By that, I mean you can move forward and backward, as well as side-to-side, but it's not true 3D gaming. From the beginning, you start as Will Turner, reliving the classic three-way battle from Dead Man’s Chest. The duel system of the game is very interesting, using the stylus to draw your sword strikes and the arrows to block incoming blows. This is what DS Gaming should be. Using the stylus to duel and manage your inventory is an interesting concept, but it’s not the groundbreaking killer app we’re waiting for. Using voice samples from the movies, it tries to immerse you in the game world of the movie. The music sounds nice coming from the small speakers, but it can be a bit tinny. That¹s not why you¹re here, though. Let¹s get into the meat of it.

The levels are broken up quite nicely into sections that are easily playable while sitting like a king on your throne. The best part is you won’t be sitting for too long while finishing a section of main level, so your legs won’t fall asleep and you won’t get a case of butt rot. The simple, repetitive controls and streams of baddies will keep your poo time occupied quite nicely. I do recommend you turn the sound down, though. Hearing pirates, and assorted baddies, die and groan quite loudly will make everyone think you’re pushing way too hard. It¹s only a matter of time until they break the door down to save you from a heart attack.

The graphics are finely suited to the game, with crisp blacks and nice colors, where they exist. There are some tricky jumps, though, and if you fall, you have to start over. It sucks when you’re done throwing the deuce and you have to keep playing so the autosave kicks in. Overall, I would recommend trying before you buy this one. Maybe some of you will complain about the difficulty, but I like it. It takes the edge off, so to speak. I did balk at having to kill the same ghost pirate repeatedly until he finally shuffled off to Davy Jones¹s Locker, but they are ghost pirates after all.

Therefore, in closing, it¹s well suited for crapping. It won¹t be everyone’s cup of tea, but I¹ve wasted more time during pooping with worse. Check it out and decide, but I dig it. When that last log falls, you could do a lot worse.

YAHTZEE!!!

MRiedlinger — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 06:04:37 +0000

On the Pot: Yahtzee! By Michael C. Riedlinger Maybe you were at a friend’s house when you first saw it, or perhaps you bought one for a long road trip when your DS or PSP was on the fritz, but some of you already have one. Those that do own one probably already keep it next to the crapper where it belongs. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about hand-held Yahtzee! This little gem is damned close to perfection I tell you! First off, it is difficult to even say the word “Yahtzee” without the exclamation point. Try it. I’ll wait… 1. Yahtzee. 2. Yahtzee! Which one felt better? SEE! What’s more is that the exclamation point even looks like a turd! It’s a sure sign. Hand-held Yahtzee! is perfect for the toilet because the game is short and to the point, but random enough that it won’t lose your attention. If you’re only going to be a few minutes, you can usually squeeze out a loaf and a full game all at the same time. For those longer bowl sessions, you can indulge in a few games in a row. One of the few features of the game is that it tracks your high score, so you always have an ultimate goal to shoot for. For those that have been experiencing the joys of Yahtzee! for a while now, you have a few options once that high score gets to be ridiculous. The most obvious is simply to reset the damned thing, starting the race from zero again. If you share your home with others, however, this option will likely not go over well. Usually the person doing the reset is not the one with the latest high score and this just causes bad feelings all around. Personally, I shoot to beat my last score. On those occasions where I wasn’t the last to play, I shoot to do better than the last person, or at least 200, which ever gets me off the crapper soonest. Yes, the graphics are old school LCD, that is to say they should remind you of the calculator you used to cheat on your math homework back in the 5th grade. The game itself is super simple. You click to roll dice and keep the best you can out of three rolls to make something akin to poker hands. Five of a kind equals a “Yahtzee!” and there are bonus points for getting it multiple times in the same game. Bonus points are also given in the individual numeral categories if you score sixty-three points or higher, or three-of-a-kind for each number. The game is a cakewalk to play, no bones about it, but that makes it perfect for playing on the shitter. If you don’t have one of these, pick one up, they are cheap. If you do own one, leave it at home in the bathroom where it belongs. There’s nothing more disconcerting that dropping a loaf in a public restroom and hearing someone shout “YAHTZEE”!

Gunpey

angriepenguin — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 08:54:42 +0000

On The Pot: Gunpey By Valerie Douglas There's a rumor circulating in the Dorkgasm offices about my penchant for portable bathroom entertainment. All right, so it's a rumor I started and it's more fact than gossip, and the Dorkgasm heads haven't been saddled with the cost of running an office yet. Still, it's a very funny picture: a girl marching off to sit on the pot and blast a deuce, Nintendo DS in hand. Since receiving one from my loving husband and child for Mother's Day, nary a bowel movement has passed without me wielding that stylus. Being a lady, and one who prefers to shit in the comfort of her own home at that, my digestive tract suffers an inordinate amount of abuse. I have had to stave off explosive diarrhea until I could bombard my private porcelain goddess, made my rectum rumble from the pressure of waiting for a polite moment to fart discreetly, and forced my compacted colon into painted on jeans in the name of fashion. Better than bowl of Muselix and more effective than a stool softener, playing my DS has finally allowed me the opportunity to enjoy pooping in a very masculine manner. My current shitter companion has been Q Entertainment's Gunpey, a puzzle game similar to Tetris only you connect the lines to form winding chains. Also, the pieces are free to slide and shift up and down their columns instead of being stuck in place until a row below it has cleared. Gunpey comes equipped with a wicked awesome soundtrack that runs the gamut from jazz to country; electronic buzzing noises to hip-hop. Each level has its own set of background music, taunts from the opponent, and congratulatory outbursts of successful line making. Depending upon your musical preference, some levels will be more fun to play than others will. I must say, however, that my disdain for country music did not stop me from finding my own rhythm by which to whoop ass. The concept is fairly straightforward as long as you remember that the playing field is scrolling upwards and the game ends when a piece reaches the top. I Figure that should have taken me less than a day to figure out, right? Yeah, well, when you buy a used game on deep discount, the lack of case and instructional booklet is a minor glitch. The game play lends itself well to being used as a distraction from more, uh, pressing matters. As any accomplished pooper knows, it's always better to be doing something when you're on the pot than to sit there, gazing at your shoes and willing that burrito and goulash mess you ingested on a drunken dare to find its way into the bottom of the bowl. I have now found myself working the urge up to drop the kids at the pool twice a day now. With a round in Frontier mode (where new characters, worlds, and dance moves are unlocked) taking easily less than 15 minutes, I can feel twice the accomplishment with an effortless ease known mostly to the breastfeeding set. And if I have just a few moments to pinch a loaf, I can always dabble in G-Note's gallery, peeping out his latest dance moves and making my own funky grooves. To reiterate: pooping is more fun when you're playing video games. While it is not always practical or sanitary to have a television in your bathroom or a toilet in your living room, a portable console is the ideal solution. Just remember to wash your hands, you filthy animals.