Dorkgasm - Villian of the Week

Acute Clownus Carrus Uterosis | Villain of the Week

jsaystoyou — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 15:21:36 +0000

Those who profit from Acute Clownus Carrus Uterosis and the dickhead's that encourage them...
By
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

Ah yes, Clownus Carrus Uterosis, or treating your uterus and vagina like a clown car, is certainly a problem in this country. One that has come to the forefront and headlines with aplomb as of late, due largely in part due to the Octomom. Sure that name makes her sound like Otto Octavius' matriarch from Spider-Man, thus throwing her instantly into the pool of villainy, but she is only part of the part of the problem, and ultimately condemnable for her own actions, she is not the root of the problem.

You can't walk past a newsstand in this country without seeing her face, or flip through TV guide without seeing more and more of this abuse of the human reproductive system. Jon and Kate plus Eight, 17 Kids and Counting, and the upcoming Table for Twelve are all guilty of this villainy and in my humble opinion (or IMHO, for those of you who speak internet) it needs to be stopped. I have a few major reasons as to why I believe this, and I'd like to share them with y'all if you've got a minute. I don't expect much backlash from the targets of this rant, because they're probably too busy, giving birth, or counting stacks of cash to care what a semi normal human being thinks.

The first reason is just this simple, the human body was not meant to take abuse like that. Seriously, I know the vaginal walls are quite elastic in nature, but fucking Christ people! There's going off roading, and then theirs treating your car tires like tank treads. I'm not going to take a moral high ground here, but on the record, I just think that shit is just plain gross. If a woman's vaginal region and reproductive areas have been through enough to take a blast from a rocket propelled grenade and not feel a thing, you have to wonder if they've taken it a little far. The same applies in the case of C-sections, if your tummy is starting to look like a road map of pain made out of over cooked bacon, and you can grate cheese on the scar tissue. Let's also not forget that while these people are fucking with the will of whatever god they claim to worship, they're also ignoring the millions of children that are waiting to be adopted. If y'all got "all this love to give" what makes you so certain that you couldn't love a child that wasn't biologically yours. Shit with all the chems and genes you guys throw around you could probably get the damn kid morphed into one of your mutant offspring in no time.

Secondly and more importantly, this kind of crap should be against child labor laws. These kids are making their parents' fat stacks of cash and being allowed next to no privacy. On top of that, have you seen the parents from these shows? I wouldn't let them watch my gold fish. Whether they're cult level religious fascists raising their own little republic of brainwashed mutants, or just bitter and shitty people (Kate, I'm lookin at you!) they seem to either be thoroughly disconnected from reality, and completely devoid of any love whatsoever for their children. Seeing how much you can cram into a uterus and how much will pop out is not something people should profit from, nor is just being a kid with shitty or camera friendly parents.

Other than just being useless, this is a slap in the face of every hardworking citizen and or parent out there. Personally, I've only got one child, but if everyone was proportionally provided what these groups of nitwits were given I'd at least have a grip of cash, and all sorts of free crap my kid needed growing up that I actually worked for to provide for her. How much of the actual earning will these kids see? Furthermore, if these kids have to go to college when they grow up and actually earn their keep like normal people, how much resentment do you think there's going to be in this little populace? How is the home schooled daughter of the cult family on 17 Kids and Counting going to cope with her first period? Normally I would assume you'd talk to your mom, but seeing as every menstrual cycle this woman has had since the day she got married has resulted in a pregnancy I would venture to guess she might not really remember what that's like.

Then last but not least we have the social ramifications, and what these shows say about society, which brings me to the Octomom. Her motivations weren't exactly hard to see after all of these shenanigans and you really can't fault someone for jumping on the bandwagon. Or can you? Did she research this bandwagon? Did she just think she could eek in before the bubble burst on the multiple birth dog and pony show, or was she just looking to make a buck? It doesn't matter, because the octomom single-vaginally exposed quite a bit of ugly truth about America, and the situation just turns my stomach. First off, The Octomom didn't hop on a gravy train with biscuit wheels, she couldn't afford the ticket, and was tossed out on her ass at the front gates. It doesn't take a hard look to see why either. She's black, unemployed, unmarried, lives with her mother, and has a ton of kids already. The only other African American making nearly as many headlines is President Obama. What does that say America? At the core, are the country and media still a little racist? I'd say so. A little stodgy and stuck on religion as a backbone to society instead of law? Sure. Do you think if someone in the same situation of a different race were to give birth to 8 kids at one time, the media would scold her from day one or that anyone would bring up the word welfare? Hardly. Is she a bad person? Fuck yeah, but that doesn't have anything to do with being black, unemployed, single, and living at home, it has to do with making a decision to use her body and her own children to make money, because other people made it look easy. What else does that say about us America? That if one damn fool can make a dollar doing something, a hundred others will try, and ladies and gentlemen taking honest and intelligent people and turning off their reason and logic is the greatest form of villainy of all.

So I'm begging you all stop the madness, if not for me, think...for once in your hatefucking miserable lives, think about the children. Kids are a big deal, but they shouldn't be big business.
|J|

Bad Movie Apologists | Villain of the Week

ScarletK — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 23:55:16 +0000

Up In Smoke By Cheryl Kobs Staff Writer Okay so let me rant for just a minute. Being a person of sound mind and body, I generally find it extremely irritating when I watch a movie for two hours that is total crap. When a movie has no standards of acting, screenwriting, production (from costuming to set production), and then totes itself as a major achievement in cinematic history, I flip. When a movie lacks all of these things, it is not worth the money wasted to make it or the time lost watching it. Unfortunately, a number of these craptastic films wind up with the label “alright if you are chillin”. Of course, chillin often refers to being stoned out of ones gourd, but it can pertain to any number of states of altered consciousness. This argument is bullshit! No movie should ever be given credit for being any better than it truly is simply because your ass decided to consciously lower your I.Q. level. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with people getting messed up every once in a while, but understand that in this state you can not make a good judgment call as to whether a movie is any good or not. If you cover crap in vodka and stick a joint in it, it is still fucking crap!!! This genre of Stoner Films is a waste of time and money and speaks so lowly of a culture that must get fucked up to find any enjoyment in one of it’s highest grossing films. To name a few that have recently joined the ranks, Walk Hard: the Dewey Cox Story, Strange Wilderness and Meet the Spartans. All of these movie seem to pander to an audience that has such a short attention span that they must be hammered over the head with the jokes over and over and over again throughout the film. Moreover, they contain freakishly sad slapstick situations that leave a bad taste in your mouth after the twentieth nut shot. Alright, we get it, it hurts when you hit a guy in the groin, but could we please get the fuck over it and move on. Also, having to actually narrate to the audience which pop personas the film is attempting to parody makes anyone with a brain groan. These films read as if someone with too much time and money made a couple of stupid jokes at a party and then, through some fucked up overdeveloped ego, thought that they were ingenious enough to create a great film out of flimsy punch lines and adolescent friendly content. Have the masses of America truly become the dumb-ass twenty-somethings that receive all of their news from US Weekly and only know a few sentences beyond “beer rocks!” and “dude, chicks with tits rule”? These empty-headed people have always turned my stomach, and the fact that multi-million dollar films are beginning to pander to these dumb-asses brings bile to my mouth. Learn something. Watch the fucking news. Read a book with out Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan or any other plastics in it. Perhaps crawl out from under your smoke filled, liquor scented cave lit only by a blue T.V. screen and experience the world. I guarantee you the place is much more interesting when you actually fucking live and can make knowledgeable observations in the world you live in. Chillin is fine ONCE IN A WHILE, but it should not happen so often that you are viewing things in only that state of mind and attempting to view all of life that way. Nothing that is totally crappy is any better when you are fucked up… Ever. NO, not even sex, and certainly not film. If you want funny humor that actually makes you think, watch the new Onion Movie or Juno, but please do not come up to me and tell me that a movie whose funniest moment involves a pissed off turkey is good in any state of mind. Just get the hell away from me before I turn and truly kick you into the pit of death, where you belong.

Westboro Baptist Church | Villain of the Week

AnonymousJones — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 23:28:22 +0000

God Hates the Westboro Baptist Church
By
Anonymous Jones

Do I believe in God? Of course. Like every God-fearing Republican, I am in total awe of our Creator. However, I do take offense to some of the shit that is done in his name. War, hatred, and dubious political actions are put under the all-encompassing “Christianity” banner, and it pisses me off to no extent. However, one entity out there really grinds my beans more than any other. I am talking about those schmucks at the Westboro Baptist Church.

These idiots pick a slogan, and dad-gummit, they stick to it. For years now, the WBC has plastered national media and the Internet with their hate speech. This is best personified with the name of their website: “God Hates Fags”. Headed up by the head moron Fred Phelps Sr., these hatemongers made their biggest media splash at the funeral for Matthew Shepard. Many of you will remember Shepard as being the young gentleman who was beaten to death for being gay. The WBC picketed the funeral with signs saying “God Hates Fags” and “Matthew Shepard Rots In Hell”. Yeah, at his funeral, no less. Phelps, Sr. even had the balls to call Matthew’s mom a whore and said she was a mother from Hell and she would join Matthew soon. Jesus, what a fucking douchebag.

Oh, but wait! It gets even better! Remember that little event that took place on September 11th, 2001? Now, how could Phelps and his un-PC band of idiots find fault with that? Well, they didn’t. It turns out that 9/11 was a rallying point of the WBC. You can now see their placards bearing the motto “Thank God For 9/11”. They even picket Billy Graham revivals because Graham, one of the most insidious televangelists in the world, will not adopt the “God Hates Fags” motto. Then, there was that crazy incident when a bunch of miners were trapped below the surface in the Sago Mine. There appeared to be no “fags” inside, so Phelps decided that the collapsing of the mine was God’s revenge against America for tolerance of homosexuality. What does this guy do for an encore; castrate my puppy while he jumps up and down on an American flag?

On January 22nd, however, they finally hit the straw that broke the camel’s back. Hollywood and the rest of the world were just rocked by the death of Heath Ledger, a promising young film star. While Ledger was not gay, he was involved in a little movie called Brokeback Mountain. In the words of the WBC’s press release announcing their intent to picket Ledger’s funeral, “God hates fags and fag enablers! Ergo, God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as “Brokeback Mountain”. We are also assured that “Heath Ledger is now in Hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there- beside which, nothing else about Heath Ledger is relevant or consequential”.

So, for the first official Villain of the Week of 2007, I submit the Westboro Baptist Church. Fred Phelps Sr. and his bunch of hatemongering ne’er-do-wells will hopefully get their comeuppance in the future. For now, however, they will remain a thorn in humanity’s side. May God have mercy on… oh, fuck it. May God allow them to roast in Hell forever right next to Adolph Hitler. These bastards hate everyone except themselves, and I hope they get something to equal the pain and suffering they have caused thousands of intelligent, humane people.

Thanks to Dorkgasm writer “Emperor Kursan” for pointing their newest hate campaign out.

Snake Eyes

Dr.SamKog — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 03:06:06 +0000

Why Newsweek Sucks Again By Dr. Sam Kog So it turns out the fine folks at Newsweek think very highly of dorks... Oh wait, they fucking don't! This week they ran an article in their magazine and online called Forty-Year-Old Virgins. In the piece, the asshole, Tony "My family was Amish" Dokoupil, goes on and on about dorks like you and I who spend thousands of dollars on collectible toys from the 1980's. He makes them out to be losers who just won't grow up, and if that were all, I'd blow it off... See, despite the fact that these media assholes always identify us as folks who don't know what to do with a naked broad, this asshole comes along and makes the following statement: "At $15 to $30 for each action figure, re-staffing the Cobra Command center (home to G.I. Joe's arch-nemesis, Snake Eyes) isn't cheap."
Editor's Note: Newsweek has since corrected the article online, but the print version is out there and the only comments on the story reference what Dr. Kog is ranting about
Catch that? Dumb shit doesn't know that Snake Eyes is a bad-ass ninja who fights for GOOD?!?! Cobra Commander, Destro, The Barroness, Storm Shadow, hell, even Zartan would have fucking been acceptable, but no... Snake Eyes.... MOTHERFUCKIN SNAKE EYES?!?!?! I swear, what the hell is this guy doing reporting on this shit if he can make a simple error like that?? Hell, maybe Tony is a girl's name and in that case, I can forgive... But even Mrs. Kog, who played with Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony, knows that Snake Eyes isn't a freaking villain! Tony, go back to watching porn before I have to ruin the Holiday Cheer with a boot to yer face... Hey Tony! Guess what!? Snake Eyes is no villain, you are buddy! ...And now a video. Enjoy!

Film Critics

AnonymousJones — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:08:36 +0000

The Search for Meaning, or Why Critics Often Suck By Anonymous Jones As I sit here, banging away on the Jones family computer, I am listening to a commentary track from The Matrix Reloaded. The Wachowski brothers have graciously provided commentary from both philosophers and movie critics on The Ultimate Matrix Collection discs. During this commentary track, there are three film critics who were provided on the fact that they did not like the film. However, while not totally bashing the film, they seem to be trying to find art where art does not necessarily exist. This is the problem with most critics of all sorts today. While some critics seem to genuinely look at the merits of a certain film, most seem to strive to persuade the general populace that whatever they choose to watch has to have some form of “deeper meaning”. Well, I am here today to tell you that this is not usually the case. While people keep trying to decipher what Alex Proyas was trying to say with “Dark City”, there is a school of thought that is devoted to actually enjoying the fucking movie. One of the worst offenders seems to be Todd McCarthy from Variety. In his recent review of Tim Burton’s “Sweeney Todd”, McCarthy is constantly making observations to the fact that this can be viewed as a dark morality play, in which the “good” prevail and the evil suffer. Well, no shit, Sherlock. I’m not too sure if he’s remotely familiar with the material, but the book is the same thing. Sometimes, there’s a conflict strictly for the entertainment value of the thing. This can be viewed as another case of over-thinking what the filmmaker may have intended. Later, in his review of “I Am Legend”, he makes the jaw-dropping proclamation that the city is now inhabited by “zombie-like cannibals who normally venture out only at night”. Hey, jackass, last time I checked, things that come out only at night and feast on the blood of the living were called “vampires”. Other reviewers picked up on it, but you couldn’t be bothered to do a little research into what these fucking things are really called. Another shining example of a film critic being the shit of the heel of my boot is Lisa Schwartzbaum from Entertainment Weekly. Schwartzbaum has been inflicting reviews upon the general public for many years, all of which could have been written with greater power by the oldest Jones boy. While her review of “Sweeney Todd” was given a B+, she does absolutely nothing but rave about the new musical starring the dark side of Captain Jack Sparrow. Yeah, no shit. She actually said that. Schwartzbaum even goes so far as to bring up Brett Butler’s now-defunct TV sitcom Grace Under Fire when reviewing the John Cusack-led tear jerker Grace is Gone. Seriously! What the hell is her problem? Not only can she make inappropriate remarks about emotional movies, but she has the nerve to decide what the American viewing public will like on a regular basis! There are so many more movie critics out there who deem themselves to be higher on the food chain than regular movie goers, but I’m not going to name any more names. This article would swell to epic proportions. All these people have one thing in common, though. They all intend to bring us honest reviews for movies that are now available, and end up bringing us fluff pieces padded with faux-erudition. It’s absolutely disgusting to think that these people have followers who read their articles every week and then go off to the water cooler to spout the latest in hipster speak by quoting them. I know that this is a sad thought, but it almost makes you long for the heyday of Siskel and Ebert, when two critics would have opposing opinions and really got at each other with passion. Well, I think I’ve said about as much as my stomach will tolerate on this subject. Anyway, it’s time to round up the Jones clan to start the trek into the city for a showing of a movie which none of us have read any reviews for. This is Anonymous Jones in the wilderness, signing off.

The Holidays

Dr.SamKog — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 18:32:26 +0000

Thanks For Nothin By Dr. Sam Kog Well howdy-ho motherfuckers! Sorry, that’s the turkey hangover talking. So when the boys asked me to write Villain of the Week for this week, I warned their asses that they’d get nothing but vitriol from me. See, there’s part of me that hates this season that just kicked off. Sure, I have a lot to be thankful for, but should I be thankful for it only once a year? I think not. I know plenty of people who wander this planet like goddamned zombies year round, that is until “The Holidays” start, and then they become something worse, like ugly lesbian porn stars or something. First off, what is “Thanksgiving” really? It is a celebration of a lie. A bunch of white folks killed a bunch of not white folks, and now we eat turkey in their memory. Sidebar: Did you know that Ben Franklin actually pushed to get the turkey named the national bird? The rest of the founders liked the Iroquois League’s symbols more, so they stole the Bald Eagle and called it a day. So yeah, small pox and raping a people are cause to get together with a bunch of assholes who we don’t really know and get wasted on good food and booze. The entire concept seems silly to me, and it should seem silly to everyone because there are better ways to spend a day off, aren’t there? That brings up another good point. Why do people insist on gathering with their families if they do not like them? I once knew a cat who absolutely had to see his mom for the holidays every year. He would hold over all of his vacation and personal time at work just so he could take off and hang out with this woman as much as possible, and he wasn’t even getting laid! The part that made it ridiculous was that he called his mom a “righteous cunt-bag” the rest of the year. Basically, he couldn’t stand her, but he wasted time he could have been in Acapulco on her anyway. Talk about passive aggressive. Maybe there was a will or something he was trying to get a place in, but fuck that. I spend my Thanksgiving with friends because the family I like is too far away and believe me when I say you don’t want to meet Mrs. Kog’s folks. When you sit around with family at the holidays, do you all gather around the police scanner and gossip about the misfortune of those in your town or city with your loved ones? No? Well let’s just say they don’t either and you call me a liar later, shall we? Some people are just rotten that way, and I’d rather gather my close friends for a potluck than cope with the amorality of “family”. These are also the same kind of people with the pretentious “Put Christ back in Christmas” signs in their lawn from the first of November until the snow melts and the Easter Bunny shows up. Sidebar: You know that Christmas has nothing to do with Jesus, right? When the church formed in Rome, the Romans were already old hats when it came to pilfering holidays from other religions. When you throw a tree up and give gifts to children, you are really celebrating Saturnalia and the power one can gain from eating his own children. I think that only works if you’re a Titan, so don’t try that one at home folks. It also coincides with a Mithraic holiday, but that’s for another time. The whole idea that this is a time of year for a small sub-set of society already turned me off when it was WASPs Vs. Native Americans, so why turn it even further into an exclusive fuck-all by making it “Christian”? Hell, you just look like hypocrites the next day when you wake up at the ass-crack of dawn for something you jovially call “BLACK FRIDAY”.

Now Black Friday is something entirely American. It’s like the Boston Marathon, FIFA World Cup, and the Olympics all rolled into one, but for lazy asshole consumerist junkies. Does anyone in your family do this? They wander out into the blistery winter wind before Apollo’s even hitched up his chariot in order to get “great deals”. That isn’t the part that bothers me though. For all the talk about family and togetherness that goes on this time of year, no one seems to notice the people working on Black Friday. Retail is no fucking fun, usually, and especially so on Black Friday. Hell, the term “Black Friday” was given to the day by the sorry folks who are forced to work it! The shoppers are rude, inconsiderate, and generally treat retail employees like servant mongrels who MUST get them a great deal “or else”. Fuck you very much. These employees are working for way less than they deserve and they aren’t able to go shopping for their loved ones, or sleep in, or in some cases even enjoy what time they might have enjoyed on Thanksgiving! Hell, one cat I know was at work at midnight last night. What the hell? Gerry and Ginger will likely be pulling doubles today at the video game store. They have people they love, but they get to spend this “day off” as wage slaves to the greedy fucks that cannot wait to increase the power and influence of the Credit Card Gods. All this and shitty Christmas music too!?!? Come on folks, I like the festive tunes alright I suppose, Gloria Estefan has a pretty song called “Christmas Through Your Eyes”, but let me get through Thanksgiving first! I just finished celebrating the near genocide of a race, and now I’m supposed to jump head first into Saturnalia? Come off you impatient ass-bags. It’s a fucking joke. So many act as if there is no time to slow down and enjoy what they do have or what their future may hold, but that simply is not true. Take it from your old friend Sam; you all need to chill out. Find someone you really do love and call them and spend two hours on the phone with them talking about cookie recipes. Tip your waiter well if you do go out, and be respectful to that guy selling you the ultra-discounted gifts that you are buying. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy and maybe we can all show that to each other more than just once or twice a year. Fuck the holidays, I have a life to live, and so do you.

Hey, Mr. Thompson

BranWheatKillah — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:46:39 +0000

Jack Thompson

kenneth.holm — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:45:39 +0000

Jack Thompson Self Appointed Moral Barometer and Professional Jackass By Kenneth Holm Honestly, what can we say that has not been said at least a thousand times before? Jack Thompson, a Florida lawyer, has time and time again attacked the video game industry over issues that he deems to be “unmoral”. What gives him this authority, you ask? Well, like the Blues Brothers, he seems to be on a religious mission from God. Only this mission is not funny in the least.
See Detail Below It all began back in the late 1980s, when Thompson, a heretofore unheard of ambulance chaser, ran for State Prosecutor against one Janet Reno. Thompson gave Janet Reno a letter at a campaign function asking her to check a box regarding her sexuality as being homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual. Reno touched his shoulder and said, “I’m only interested in virile men. That’s why I’m not attracted to you.” Thompson sued Reno for battery (you know, because she touched his shoulder) and the moral man of God we know today was born again. Thompson began to attack rap music with the debut of 2 Live Crew’s As Nasty As They Wanna Be album. Deeming it unfit for human or beast consumption, he began a crusade against this, and other gangsta rap, including super group N.W.A. As he fought, and spectacularly lost, his battle for decency, he began to focus on the new kid at the playground. Yes, Virginia, Jack Thompson discovered video games. Thompson originally began fighting games like Doom, Quake, and most other first person shooters. He said that they trained normal teenagers to become amoral, mindless killing machines. His supporting argument consisted of the number of school shootings during which the killer had been known to play violent video games. Having no actual hard facts to back himself up, he began to find people who would either agree with him wholeheartedly or find people on the fence that he could belittle into complying with his crusade. In February 2003, however, Jack Thompson strode into the ring for the biggest battle he would yet fight. An Ohio youth named Dustin Lynch had been charged with aggravated murder. He was “obsessed” with playing the new game Grand Theft auto III. Thompson proceeded to try to become the boy’s attorney in the case, which the judge rightfully shot down. It seemed that Thompson had been advising the family of the victim at the same time. This is only one of the snake-oil salesmen-like tricks that this asshole would try to pull over his storied career. In a stunning move that would normally get Britney’ kids taken away again, Thompson sent his ten year old son into a Miami Best Buy store to purchase Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Being the concerned father, he videotaped an employee selling the game to his son and proceeded to raise holy hell about it. After launching failed attempts on Vice City and Mortal Kombat: Armageddon, he continued to attack such family fare as The Sims 2 as being immoral and just wrong. In 2007, he repeated his Vice City stunt by sending his older son into another Best Buy to buy the game Bioshock, which was rated as “Mature” by the Electronic Software Ratings Board. Thompson’s tale is far from over, though. In February 2007, the Florida Bar began to file disbarment proceedings, citing many complaints from people who said that Thompson made defamatory, false statements and had attempted to embarrass, humiliate, or intimidate them. Time will tell if Jack Thompson will be allowed to continue abusing his power of litigation, but regardless of any judicial action, Jack Thompson will remain video gaming’s Public Enemy #1, and a grade-A jackass.

Hollywood

MRiedlinger — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 17:17:38 +0000

Pullman’s Ghost By Michael C. Riedlinger Fuck you Hollywood, plain as day. Fuck you big production companies and television studios alike and fuck you AMPTP. As many of you should soon be aware if you weren’t already, the Writer’s Guild of America went on strike this week. With the exception of avant-garde and indie cinema, all aspects of television and film will be affected. Hell, The Office already had to shut down production. Face it folks, we all watch movies and television, so this affects ALL OF US. So why is Hollywood the Villain here this week and not the Guild? It comes down to the little guy counting for something. Sure, there are a few writers who are paid REALLY well, and they probably deserve it. James Gunn, for example, seems to be able to crank out gold from his laptop as though he were Rumpelstiltskin. Even people like Gunn can go through a dry spell though, and he hasn’t had a big hit in over a year. In the meantime, writers are lucky to collect a total of 4¢ for every DVD sold. Sure, it’s more money than maybe you or I make, but when you consider that each DVD is sold to stores at roughly $17 a piece, it kind of puts it into perspective. The shop you buy it from is making at least $2 a copy, so why shouldn’t the people who put it all down on paper get their cut?

Think about it. How do TV shows and movies get made? Where do they start? Even if it is just an idea, in a producer’s head, there has to be somebody who writes the script. In the case of television shows, multiple scripts with multiple re-writes week after week. Maybe they could just have the actors improv the dialogue and the director and editor could cobble together a story, but have you seen Dancing at the Blue Iguana? Face it, WE NEED THESE PEOPLE!!! Heroes had a genius first season because of people like Jeph Loeb, Lost attracted the talent of award-winning writer Brian K. Vaughn, and even reality shows like American Idol and Dancing With the Stars rely on a solid writing team. No matter how good the idea, it amounts to nothing if no one writes it down. With most of us here at Dorkgasm, we work for free. We have a passion for writing about what we write about, but no one would turn down a cent if suddenly the ad dollars went through the roof and Joel and I could start cutting checks. We all like to get paid, and to earn a dollar for what we love doing is something of an American Dream, one that the folks lucky enough to have joined the Writer’s Guild of America have been living. Expect to hear a lot of bad things about those selfish, awful writers who want an additional 4¢ a DVD coming out of the mainstream media. After all, who owns most of the press? No, you fucking anti-Semite, it’s the movie and TV studios! It is in their best interest to demonize these people, but we should not listen. The fact is that there are plenty of writers out there working in our field that probably should show solidarity, but will sell out the Writer’s Guild in a heartbeat because they like their jobs too damn much. What about the fanboys who won’t get their fix of Chuck or The Office for a while, who will they side with? That is what I worry about most. Americans tend to be reactionary; blaming the first person the nightly news tells us is the cause of whatever mediocre problem we may face. Why do I care? After all, I have been too busy since the launch of Dorkgasm to watch more than an episode or two of this season’s TV shows. Hell, my DVR started cannibalizing itself in order to fit more on the hard drive. I have not been to a theater in that time either, subsisting on Jean-Luc Godard films, ICFLM entries, and the new Bram Stoker’s Dracula DVD. See, I am a writer too. I haven’t written a script for TV or film, but I write just the same. If anyone came along and told me that what I do wasn’t worth 4¢, I would be justifiably livid. I know what it is to poor my heart, soul and imagination out onto a page and not get paid for it, and I’ll be damned if I don’t stand up and show support for those who have had the talent and good fortune to make it where so many of us would like to ourselves. What is a nation without its storytellers? Ladies and Gentlemen, hang in there, because we are about to find out. MORE INFO:

Entertainment Television

AnonymousJones — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 15:13:35 +0000

America's Diversion by Anonymous Jones The dictionary defines the word bile as "a bitter, alkaline, yellow or greenish liquid, secreted by the liver, which aids in absorption and digestion, especially of fats." Well, the Anonymous Jones dictionary has a little bit of an expanded definition. You see, you cannot talk about bile without mentioning that bane of all prime-time media: entertainment television. Today, as a country, we are way too obsessed with the goings on in Hollywood. I can switch on my television at any time of the day and not only know what latest exploit Britney Spears put the paparazzi through, but what she was wearing at the time. The latest escapade by morning show comedian and famous lesbian Ellen DeGeneres shows that the proof is most definitely in the pudding. Yeah, Ellen, we get that you got yourself embroiled in a shitty situation. Are you right? No fucking way. Is the other chick right? Again, not a chance in hell. However, since you're famous and you have been slightly aggravated, you can be guaranteed prime-time coverage from the talking head of darkness, A.J. Hammer. In fact, let's talk about him for a second. See, unlike most Americans, I enjoy watching the news. I want to know what the hell is going on in the world. The second that our esteemed Pars'dent George Dumbya Bush decides to nuke the globe, I want to get the Jones family into the fallout shelter I started constructing during the Reagan administration. I want to see what stocks did well. I like to fall asleep to the dulcet tones of CNN's Headline News announcer. Can I get a bit of a break, though? In the words of the late, great Richard Dawson, survey says... no. See, CNN has decided, for some God-unknown reason, that around bedtime, most people want to know what rehab clinic will be given the "Lohan Blessing" this week. Seriously people, wise the fuck up. I don't give a shit, and you shouldn't either. Do you want to know why? The more you watch these paeans to modern stupidity, the more the stars think they can profit from their deviant behavior. We are making Britney drink and act stupid. We, the American people. The once-proudest country in the world has been reduced to watching sniveling little bitches cavort with himbos when our news should be on. A.J. Hammer is the person I choose to hate because his fake, pretty boy smile interrupts my sleep pattern. More than once, Mrs. Jones has shaken me awake because I'm muttering epithets about killing Mr. Hammer in my sleep. If you look into his eyes, there's nothing there. Not even someone who wants to make me happy. Just nothing. It's like looking into a broad expanse of void and having it tell you Paris Hilton is throwing another shitty movie at us so we can choke on it. This is fucking disgusting, people. However, Mr. Hammer is just one in a long line of people who need an ass kicking. Perez Hilton, I'm looking at you. You, sir, are continuing to piss me off. Here's a guy who could have been something that could better America. What, I'm not sure about exactly. Instead, he sits on his fat ass with his shock of blue hair and "blogs" about the latest happenings in the star-studded nowhere we call California. Now, I want his job. I would love to get paid to comment on shit that has no meaning in the real world of wars we can't win and political dumb asses. Unfortunately, if I did that, I'd have to kill myself. I would have become the thing that I detest the most. The irony of writing this article is not lost on me; I just couldn't give two shits. It has been said that these people are just doing a job. "Get a life, Anonymous!” I can hear you shouting. You know who else was "doing a job"? About six years ago, there were twenty douche bag terrorists who were doing their job, and look where that ended up! If we keep watching this shit, we will not see the Big War begin. We will not see our country collapsing into a cesspool of moral decay. Wait. Scratch that last one. Just keep on watching this crap on a stick, and you'll see our brave, proud America weep because Britney has lost her children for the thirteenth time. Meanwhile, Osama bin Fuckhead will be sneaking up behind you, ready to slit your throat. Hey, don't say I didn't warn you. Now, I have to continue working on stocking the Jonescave. Until next time, readers. If there is a next time...