Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Those who profit from Acute Clownus Carrus Uterosis and the dickhead's that encourage them...
By
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

            Ah yes, Clownus Carrus Uterosis, or treating your uterus and vagina like a clown car, is certainly a problem in this country. One that has come to the forefront and headlines with aplomb as of late, due largely in part due to the Octomom. Sure that name makes her sound like Otto Octavius' matriarch from Spider-Man, thus throwing her instantly into the pool of villainy, but she is only part of the part of the problem, and ultimately condemnable for her own actions, she is not the root of the problem.

Up In Smoke By Cheryl Kobs Staff Writer             Okay so let me rant for just a minute. Being a person of sound mind and body, I generally find it extremely irritating when I watch a movie for two hours that is total crap. When a movie has no standards of acting, screenwriting, production (from costuming to set production), and then totes itself as a major achievement in cinematic history, I flip. When a movie lacks all of these things, it is not worth the money wasted to make it or the time lost watching it. Unfortunately, a number of these craptastic films wind up with the label “alright if you are chillin”.

God Hates the Westboro Baptist Church By Anonymous Jones             Do I believe in God? Of course. Like every God-fearing Republican, I am in total awe of our Creator. However, I do take offense to some of the shit that is done in his name. War, hatred, and dubious political actions are put under the all-encompassing “Christianity” banner, and it pisses me off to no extent. However, one entity out there really grinds my beans more than any other. I am talking about those schmucks at the Westboro Baptist Church.

Why Newsweek Sucks Again By Dr. Sam Kog             So it turns out the fine folks at Newsweek think very highly of dorks... Oh wait, they fucking don't! This week they ran an article in their magazine and online called Forty-Year-Old Virgins. In the piece, the asshole, Tony "My family was Amish" Dokoupil, goes on and on about dorks like you and I who spend thousands of dollars on collectible toys from the 1980's. He makes them out to be losers who just won't grow up, and if that were all, I'd blow it off...

The Search for Meaning, or Why Critics Often Suck By Anonymous Jones             As I sit here, banging away on the Jones family computer, I am listening to a commentary track from The Matrix Reloaded. The Wachowski brothers have graciously provided commentary from both philosophers and movie critics on The Ultimate Matrix Collection discs. During this commentary track, there are three film critics who were provided on the fact that they did not like the film. However, while not totally bashing the film, they seem to be trying to find art where art does not necessarily exist. This is the problem with most critics of all sorts today.

Thanks For Nothin By Dr. Sam Kog             Well howdy-ho motherfuckers! Sorry, that’s the turkey hangover talking. So when the boys asked me to write Villain of the Week for this week, I warned their asses that they’d get nothing but vitriol from me. See, there’s part of me that hates this season that just kicked off. Sure, I have a lot to be thankful for, but should I be thankful for it only once a year? I think not. I know plenty of people who wander this planet like goddamned zombies year round, that is until “The Holidays” start, and then they become something worse, like ugly lesbian porn stars or something.

Jack Thompson Self Appointed Moral Barometer and Professional Jackass By Kenneth Holm             Honestly, what can we say that has not been said at least a thousand times before? Jack Thompson, a Florida lawyer, has time and time again attacked the video game industry over issues that he deems to be “unmoral”. What gives him this authority, you ask? Well, like the Blues Brothers, he seems to be on a religious mission from God. Only this mission is not funny in the least.

Pullman’s Ghost By Michael C. Riedlinger             Fuck you Hollywood, plain as day. Fuck you big production companies and television studios alike and fuck you AMPTP. As many of you should soon be aware if you weren’t already, the Writer’s Guild of America went on strike this week. With the exception of avant-garde and indie cinema, all aspects of television and film will be affected. Hell, The Office already had to shut down production. Face it folks, we all watch movies and television, so this affects ALL OF US.

America's Diversion by Anonymous Jones             The dictionary defines the word bile as "a bitter, alkaline, yellow or greenish liquid, secreted by the liver, which aids in absorption and digestion, especially of fats." Well, the Anonymous Jones dictionary has a little bit of an expanded definition. You see, you cannot talk about bile without mentioning that bane of all prime-time media: entertainment television.