Dorkgasm - Video Game Reviews

Dust 514 | Video Game Reviews

ManyFacesSejah — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 05:14:36 +0000

From Infinity and Beyond!
By
J. Blaze Ward
Special Guest Writer

Anyone who has played EVE Online has learned one simple truth: cargo ships look like gigantic flying penises.

This was one of my greatest infantile pleasures of the game. I loved playing a cargo hauler, ploughing the great expanses of space, plunging my lasers into hot little asteroids and then spewing profit all over the face of my corporation. I know, childish, but still, it made me giggle, as did the never ending quest for the next greatest phallus-related name after my cargo ship inevitably got blown up by quick and scary raiders. It's a terrific game, but the roleplayer deep within me greatly yearned to get out of that damn ship and go hang out in a space station drinking Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters with some of those hot avatars that they have at character generation.

"Hey ladies," I'd say, as I swished the fog-producing blue liquid in the fat bottomed pyroxeres glass, "what brings you to a seedy backwater system like this?"

"We're raiders," they'd return, with a greedy and hungry look in their eyes, "and we're looking to cash out on The Schelestial Schlong which has been spotted in the area."

"Oh really, that's my sh..." BZZZAAPP! And they'd fry my face off, take my wallet, keys, drink, and be off in my ship before my clone could be awakened sixteen systems away. But that's just my own fantasy, because I couldn't get out of my ship. I could only be raided within the confines of my multi-million dollar coffin.

I could fly past the gorgeous worlds, with the incredible vistas (really, the views as you're plying your star-trade are just intoxicating), watch asteroid belts glitter in the dark as I raced past, see a distant blip become a space station as I approached, and be dazzled by the exhaust trails of other ships as they sped to or from the station. I could do all of these things, but I couldn't get out of my ship. This was perhaps the biggest reason I left EVE online.

http://mac.softpedia.com/screenshots/9-2969_2.jpg
http://mac.softpedia.com/screenshots/9-2969_1.jpg

And now they're fixing it. Enter the game known as Dust 514. Dust 514 (I have no idea what that name means) is a console game for Xbox360 and PS3 which allows players to delve into on-world conflict in the universe of EVE. The screen shots I have seen are absolutely stunning, but I have yet to preview any of the in-game action shots.

http://www.dust514-fan.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/DUST514_WB_Comma...
http://www.dust514-fan.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/DUST514_WB_MCCSt...

For those of you who are unfamiliar with MMOs, they are computer (non console) games. Dust 514 will be the first game to bridge that gap. EVE Online will stick to computer systems, but Dust 514 will allow console players to become involved in the universe and conceivably impact the rest of the universe through planetary victories. It appears that this first console based MMO will incorporate both First Person Shooter qualities (you are a marine with a high tech rifle and assortment of other death-dealing items) as well as a Real Time Strategy game. I imagine the RTS qualities will be produced somewhat like EVE, with some players taking command positions and pouring over statistical overviews of large-scale combat. The command position has been confirmed for Dust 514, but there are no screenshots available.

These two games, Dust and EVE, will impact each other greatly. If a turf war is won in Dust, the strategic points of the empires in EVE are immediately updated. EVE players will be able to delegate missions to Dust players in order to cooperate on strategic takeovers in the EVE universe. Unfortunately there is (currently) no way for EVE players to spectate on the land battles, but hopefully CCP will make an update to allow voyeur cams. The taking of planetary sectors will allow an EVE player to, if they control most of the planet, own that entire planet. Additionally, if the player owns most of the planets in a system, they will gain control of the entire system as a ruler. CCP has not yet announced what the perks of owning systems will be, but it doesn't take much imagination to realize that this adds a whole new level of conflict to the game.

CCP has already confirmed the use of vehicular combat, both land and air based, in addition to hoofing it in your high-tech combat armor across a blasted battlefield. They haven't verified how long we're going to have to wait for Dust 514 to be fully released, but I, for one, am already slavering at the possibilities. I believe it's about time for me to dust off (har har) my old EVE account, make sure the Divine Dildonic Diplomat is still serviceable, and get cracking on those skill-points and ISK so I can be a major mover and shaker, or at least a minor annoyance, once this amazing game premiers. Until then, I leave you with this teaser from GC 2009:

Watchmen: The End is Nigh | Video Game Review

jsaystoyou — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 05:47:28 +0000

Not Nigh Enough...
By
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

Regardless of the graphic novel/film being set in the 1980's and the game being set in the 1970's, the one thing that will hit you in the face with a lead pipe from go, is that Watchmen: The End is Nigh (available now for The Playstation Network and on Xbox Live) is definitely not up to modern standards. I could have easily been sold on some mumbo jumbo that this is all some sort of tongue in cheek post modern homage to the great 1980's coin op beat em ups that dominated the era, if the game even came close to mimicking anything that made those games great. Sure its got co-op, (only 2 players) and lots of baddies to punch in the neck, or face, or balls or whatever you feel like punching, but they only come in 3 types, medium, large, and not quite huge (different skins are all that separate the convicts, mercenaries, police etc) and multiple levels and locations (that redefine linear).

Deciding between the two protagonists comes down to basically choosing your preferred method of vertical movement, and combat. Rorschach shimmies up conveniently placed drain pipes, and beats the piss out of his adversaries with the psychotic finesse of a pro wrestler, while Night Owl uses a grappling hook, and some martial arts styled strikes combined with a little gadgetry to neutralize his opposition. Even in playing solo, your buddy is always around to help you turn valves, open doors, pull switches and wait there doing nothing while you find a way to turn a valve or open a door (usually by pulling a switch). Sadly enough the consistency of all of these actions is pretty solid. I know that last sentence doesn't sound all that bad, but when you look back up there you'll notice (other than the obvious redundancy of the actions) I never mentioned "aid you in combat" or "punch fools in the skull". I did however mention standing around doing nothing, and that's the majority of what you'll see them doing. Its actually laugh out loud funny to here your AI partner (or douchebag, as seems more fitting) call out for help while you're getting your skull kicked in and he watches from the sidelines.

Needless to say the game fairs much better in co-op, but when its this kind of a bedraggled mess its pretty hard to care. Rest assured if you just give it one run through with a buddy, you won't hate yourself, and you may be mildly entertained for the 3 (give or take) hours it takes to complete. The story is mildly interesting, and some of the finishing moves have a visceral satisfaction and are fun to see the first few times, but they become so recycled by the second hour of the game you just stop caring.

In the end that's what kills The End is Nigh, far too much repetition to justify its price tag. If you had any sense at all, when the world cries out for you to spend twenty bucks on this game, you should whisper "no"

I give Watchmen: The End is Nigh 1 "you wait here and I'll see if I can open the door" out of 5

Naruto: Path Of The Ninja 2 | Video Game Reviews

kenneth.holm — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 21:30:09 +0000

Naruto: Path Of The Ninja 2
A DS review
by
Kenneth Holm
Senior Staff Writer

I am going to disclose this right away. I was sent this game by TOMY, the company that made the game. I was involved in a conference call in regards to this game and the other Naruto game that came out for the Wii (review for that one coming soon). So, in the interest of honesty and integrity, I will tell you right now that this is an unbiased and truthful review. With some issues coming up in the past (**coughKaneandLynchcough**), I just want to remain square with you. Now, with that aside, let us delve deep into the world of Ninjas!

Naruto: Path Of The Ninja 2is a localized version of a Japanese DS game that features a completely original storyline. Three unknown ninja devastate a village in search of a sacred relic that will allow them to raise a monster called a “Soul Beast” and use it to decimate the world and bring the survivors to their collective knees. Not terribly original, but it is something new for Naruto fans. While the village is being destroyed, the granddaughter of the village elder escapes to the Hidden Leaf Village to get help. Enter Naruto and friends. The ninja descend on the ruined village and get into a fight, which starts a quest of awesome magnitude. Naruto and his gang are tasked with recovering five mirrors that can be used to seal the awful beast away and stop the trio's insidious plan.

The game is pretty standard fare as far as RPGs go. Kill enemies, level up, defeat bosses, grind for more levels, buy more powerful equipment, lather, rinse, and repeat. I expected this much, but it turns out that the game is a good deal deeper than I had anticipated. The game not only has the characters from the original game, but it also has almost thirty other characters that can be used during the course of the game. It is not just random battles, though. Different ninja can be changed in or out at any time in the game, each with their own level and equipment. Not only that, but each ninja can be assigned as a “Squad Leader”. This new feature can apply certain effects to the party like regenerating health while walking around on the overhead map, gaining more money from battles, or gaining more attack power while dropping in defense. These different buffs can totally change the way your party works, and can either help or, as I found out, hinder your progress.

Yet another feature is the online battle capability. Now, I likes me some battles online, and an online RPG sounded just awesome to whet my whistle. However, when I got online, I faced a rude awakening at the hands of players using characters that were not available until the end of the game. Needless to say, I was destroyed pretty damn quickly. It seems a little unbalanced as far as everything else goes, but when you are playing on the limited level settings, it is pretty damn fun. You can also trade characters and Ninja Tags with someone you know who has the game on the Wireless Mode. It does add a bit of fun and a tad bit of strategy into the mix, though.

Overall, I dug this game, and thought it was pretty damn cool. Now, I'm sure you're wondering why this review is so tardy. Well, I like to review things when, and only, I have exhausted everything in the game. The fact that I took so long should give heart to RPG and Naruto fans. The game itself is pretty standard length for an RPG, but the secrets, hidden characters, and numerous collectibles will keep you busy through the New Year. This year, remember a plucky ninja and his friends when it comes time to pony up some dough for some post-holiday goodies.

Naruto: Path Of The Ninja 2 and Clash Of Ninja Revolution | Video Game Reviews

kenneth.holm — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 08:05:10 +0000

Path Of The Ninja 2 and Clash Of Ninja Revolution 2
Preview Of The Two Newest Naruto Games
By
Kenneth Holm
Senior Staff Writer

Most of you already know that I have a well stated affinity for the anime and manga series Naruto. I love everything about the spiky haired ninja and his friends, as well as his foes. If you have been coming to Dorkgasm for any length of time, you know that I have to review every new Naruto game that comes out. So, when the opportunity came to have a conference call with two of the people instrumental with the creation of said games, well that is just something I could not turn down in one million years. The two gents I spoke with were Nobby Matsuo, who is a producer at TOMY, and Glenn Stotz, who is a product specialist at TOMY. After a brief introduction, we jumped into the meat of the conversation. The two newest games coming out are Clash of Ninja Revolution 2 for the Nintendo Wii, and Path of the Ninja 2 for the Nintendo DS. These games should be hitting shelves pretty soon, so I wanted to give you all a taste of what is in store for the fans. Let us get started, shall we?

Naruto: Clash Of Ninja Revolution 2

This one is a fighting game for the Nintendo Wii. The player takes control of Naruto or other characters from the anime as they fight their way through several different modes in the game. The most obvious one is Story Mode. What really makes this game different is this mode’s storyline. For the first time in a Naruto video game, the story is completely original. Taking place after the Sasuke Retrieval arc, this is an ANBU-centric story. For those of you who are not familiar with the ANBU, picture a ninja version of any secret government agency. While scouting around, the ANBU find a village that is completely deserted. When Naruto and the rest of the squad go to investigate, they soon discover a plot to destroy Hidden Leaf Village. Another main draw is the new characters. Some of you might remember Yugao Uzuki, who was introduced in one or two episodes of the anime. Yugao is one of the new ANBU characters and is one of the fastest in the game. The other two characters are pretty spiffy, too. Towa is an ANBU soldier who can channel chakra through his distinctive tattoos to make chakra-weapons. He is more hand-to-hand fighting, while Komachi is more of a projectile fighter. Komachi is yet another ANBU member who uses her senpai-like hairpins to attack from a distance. All three of these new characters have been designed with thought to the Naruto universe, as have the new villains, one of whom may or may not have a bazooka.

When it comes to gameplay, the game has a couple new elements involved. Paper bombs, a staple of the cartoon, have finally been added to the mix. Paper bombs are a sort of dagger (or kunai) with an explosive scroll attached to it. These can be used as proximity mines to scatter around the playing field, or they can be just thrown at your opponent for explosive damage. There are also a few new modes in the game. A new addition is the Tag-Team mode, where the player will pick two characters and switch out as the fight goes on. The really cool part about that is that you can switch characters out anytime, even in the middle of a combo! The destruction possibilities are endless for that one.

Another cool feature is the Kumite or Survival Mode. You try to fight off as many enemies as once, with up to five opponents on the screen at the same time. Mission Mode has ten missions per character, so with over 30 characters available, this could be a pretty fun time for Wii owners. Also, there are new Team Jutsus available. Everyone has a generic team move, but there are some teams that have a specific moves, such as Itachi/Kisame, Guy/Lee, and Neji/Hinata. Now, what would a Wii game be without some movement? In Clash Of Ninja Revolution 2, the Wiimote and Nunchuk can be used to form hand signs. This was previously used in Naruto Shippuden: Gekitou Ninja Taisen! EX2, and is executed by moving the controller in certain ways to either regain chakra or health. There is a lot more than we have covered (you know, we like surprises too), so grab this one in October when it hits!!

Naruto: Path Of The Ninja 2

The follow-up to the DS RPG will feature a lot of new features, as well. Most notably, it has over 35 different characters. The first POTN only gave us around seven (and only if you found Jiriya). The game itself will NOT be a port of an old GBA game, like the last one, but instead will be a remake of Naruto RPG 3: Reijuu vs. Kohona Shoutai, which was a DS game in Japan. Also coming out in October, this RPG tells the story of a mysterious village that has been destroyed and the three villains who are preparing to unleash a very nefarious plan upon our heroes.

As far as what that plan is, I refuse to tell. Let me just say that the game should be enjoyed by all of you fans out there. Now, let's get into the new features of this game, and believe me, there are a lot of them. First up are the new WiFi capabilities. Yeah, you can actually battle other people from all over the US and Canada. This being an RPG, however, makes for some interesting battles. You fight each other with the tried and true method of standard pick-and-choose RPG battles. The cool thing is that every state has what is called a Region Tag. These tags (more on them in a second) can be collected and traded like Pokemon cards among your friends and enemies. Obviously, the object here is to pwn someone from each and every state including Canada. Yes, I know Canada is not a state. Now these tags, and other tags found in-game, are part of the Ninja Tag system. The Ninja Tags are able to apply some different effects and open up previously unavailable extras, like characters, equipment, abilities and so forth. These tags can be equipped on different people, so it will be possible for Kiba to use the Rasengan, or for Sakura to use Shadow Possession Jutsu. The possibilities are endless, and that is pretty damn cool. There are also some new characters available this time around, including playable versions of Shino, Hinata, and Choji; and new baddies in the form of Itachi, Kisame and more.

All told, both games sound exceptional. I heartily approve of the new strides that TOMY is taking in their games, and anxiously await the new adventures. It sounds like Naruto fans and game fans in general have a lot to look forward to in October. Make sure to check these games out as soon as they become available!!

Grand Theft Auto IV | Video Game Reviews

jsaystoyou — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 19:24:58 +0000

All of which are American Dreams
By
J. Sternberg

Let me just preface this review by saying that it
A. Has NOT been paid for by Rockstar Games
B. Is completely and 100% honest
C. Has only been done after 100% completion of the Single Player Game.

With that done and said, I know I'm gonna piss somebody off. GTA IV (oddly enough, somewhere between the 8-10th iteration of the series) is the story of an eastern European immigrant, hell bent on revenge, and getting cash. While all the publicity surrounding the game makes mention of the "American Dream", I'd much rather leave that to the already raped-dry DePalma film Scarface and its best video game adaptation GTA:Vice City. This game has about as much "American dream" related content as your local Wal-Mart's SS Manifesto, er I mean, "business plan".

As much as I'd like to split hairs on the story of the game, I can't call it anything less than epic, phenomenal or fantastic. GTA IV sets a new benchmark for the open world crime simulator when it comes to narrative, and I'd likely challenge anything over the next 10 years to come close. Niko is a sympathetic deviant, with more heart than any of the other GTA protagonists before, and you can't help but get hooked on his tale of revenge. This is largely due to the brilliant pacing of the game. I almost put my Dual Shock 3 down after the first hour, only to have a major plot point revealed, and the hooks dug deeper.

That being said, the method to Rockstar's medium needs to be called into question. I love the previous entries to the GTA series, and this is by far the best, but they're still far behind some of the clones out there. I grew damn near sick to death of the "go here kill that guy" or "go there and kill those guys" missions, and while it was sweet as hell to not have to participate in nearly as many of the god awful GTA race missions, the variety was still sorely lacking. Also lacking is a decent checkpoint system (more on that later) a solid selection of weapons, and a decent control system.

Click image to visit the site

You read it right, I love this game compared to the other GTA games out there, but those gripes are MAJOR. Only one real "go here and kill this guy" stuck out as being exceptional, and although the game offers a couple alternative paths, nothing actually changes in the game other than the victim of your final mission. SPOILER: No matter what you choose, you lose some dumb-ass tertiary character you'd never care about in the final (although beautifully rendered and well directed) cut-scene. Most other choices in the game are rectified by later encounters, and have little consequences on the game as a whole.

Dorkgasm regulars know my stance on poor control and GTA IV has that in SPADES. Try to control a vehicle in the game, I fucking DARE YOU. All of the rides in the game run like they're on ice, and will only stop if you have both your brakes (hand and standard) to the max. Drifting (to the completely uneducated, turning while using your parking brake), while useful in many other games, proves to be as valuable as a dick in the middle of your forehead, often causing the car to come to a complete stop until the camera adjusts, FUN! Much like all of the other failures in the game, THQ's Saint's Row did them better last year. Again, in disservice to GTA IV, customization is completely absent from this title, which San Andreas had more than its fair share of. I may not be a fan of having to make my character lift weights or eat and sleep to stay healthy, but I do like making my avatar resemble who I'd like to puppeteer in an interactive experience.

Your character's choice in auto-targeting is equally as intelligent in some of the more difficult missions, choosing to train his killer instinct on an innocent bystander as opposed to a real threat. This leads to many of the game’s incredibly STUPID checkpoint restarts, which basically suck ass beyond belief. Sure, you don't have to drive back to your contact, but all other poorly implemented driving segments must be completed again, just to get back to where you got stuck (often due to other game failures). The weapons also hark back to a simpler day of pistol; fully automatic pistol; shotgun; assault rifle; super awesome explodey weapon. That was rad in the days of Doom, but we have had, and will have better selections.

Another area where GTA typically blows people away is its soundtrack, which I basically told to fuck off after realizing that several of the stations have less than a 20 minute loop. Other than this, GTA IV has an amazing lifelike world, with pedestrians, TV stations, comedy clubs and the like. These all converge to envelope you in a seemingly real world that lacks better judgment on every level. The stand-up comedians are funny, the cabaret's suck, and much like real life, 80 percent of the TV is worthless, but the other 20% is gold.

I'd love to rave about GTA IV and say its gaming’s equivalent to Nirvana, but I'm just too honest. The truth of the matter is that games these days who fuck up on this many simple concepts should be blown to bits in the critical scope. GTA IV escaped this somehow in the critical realm, I and I think that's a travesty. I'll concede simply (and have battened down the hatches for hate mail) that GTA IV is a good game, fun to play through once, and maybe again, but nowhere near perfect.

I give GTA IV 3.75 "Saint's Row 2 is coming soon"'s out of 5.

Naruto: Ninja Destiny | Video Game Review

kenneth.holm — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:48:58 +0000

Naruto: Ninja Destiny A Nintendo DS Review By Kenneth Holm Dorkgasm Senior Staff Writer When we last left off with the Naruto storyline on the Nintendo DS, Naruto was fighting his way through the Chunin Exams in an RPG. This time, however, we are treated to the first 3D fighter featuring the cast of the imported ninja cartoon. I do have to say though; out of all of the Naruto fighting games, this one may be the best so far. The game has a couple different modes to sate your interest. They include a story mode, which takes place from the third round of the Chunin Exams during which we get the reappearance of Sasuke all the way to the search for Tsunade, the Fifth Hokage. There is also an Arcade Mode, where you just fight without the added pretentious storyline. Finally, there’s the wireless option of taking on a friend, but said buddy must also have the game. Since I do not know anyone who was cool enough to buy it, I am in the dark about the fun I could be having. However, I am not here to focus on what I am missing, but what I played, and play I did on this one. The graphics on this game are around “Playstation the First” quality, with most of the models having wonky shadows and jagged lines. However, they are fairly smooth, with only occasional frame rate issues. The characters themselves are recreated fairly well, with as much details packed into them as possible. When this game was originally released over in Japan, it had a lot more problems than it does now, and the publishers decided to not only fix the graphical issues, but added three more characters (Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Orochimaru). The music is what I expected it to be, as it is a mixture of rock-like guitar and a little Asian mysticism thrown in for good measure. The fighting engine is actually superb, and this is where the game is better than the previous fighters are. In the Gamecube, and even the Wii editions, the Naruto fighting games have always been a tad slow on the combat side and have never been able to reproduce the manic fighting style of the show. However, this game does the series justice. On “Normal” mode, the fights are fast and furious. You are able to use the Substitution Jutsu liberally and you are encouraged to do so. Furiously mashing buttons will take you through this level just fine. However, switch it up to “Hard”, and things go absolutely mental. Punches and jutsus will begin flying so quickly that it actually takes thinking to master this fighting style. This game differs from every other one so far, offering a power-up system that is available during the matches you are fighting that is accessed by using the touch screen portion of the DS. Power-ups include health restores, chakra (magic point) restores, and various other items which either help you or impede your opponent. At the beginning of each match, you are given six random power-ups that may or not be useful in your match, but half the fun is timing the release of your power-ups so they will be the most effective. Your opponents do not have these power-ups unless you are playing a wireless round against a friend. Overall, I really enjoy this game. It is incredibly easy to pick up the controls and start playing. It is even easy to grab for a bathroom break and knock out a couple fighters. I would recommend this game to anyone who wants a fun, but slightly ugly fighting experience on the DS and is not satisfied with slow fighters.

The Survey says, BUZZ

jsaystoyou — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 21:07:37 +0000

Buzz The Mega Quiz, PS2, 39.99 (with Buzz Buzzers)

Buzz: The Mega Quiz is a great example of how a simple concept can translate into something so much more, if people let it.
Featuring four wired "buzzers" that connect via a single USB port, the game plays just like any quiz show you would expect, and features over 6000 questions. That's right kids, Six FUCKING THOUSAND, and you know what that means, repeats aren't really much to worry about.
You'll quickly ignore the snarky Australian host, or his simple assistant in favor of getting right to the nitty gritty, and that nitty gritty is a great party game.
There's a great range of questions, featuring everything from pop culture to world geography, and with varying game lengths and difficulty levels, there's a great party game here for people of any age or IQ, and that's really the only thing the game tries to bring across.
Buzz promises new games and expansions releasing every few months so you'll definitely get your money's worth from your initial purchase.
The only group of folks I can't recommend this game to are the exclusively anti social, and even if they've only got one friend, they'll still get a good time with this simple yet effective multi player funfest.
I give Buzz the Mega Quiz 4 "pies to the face" out of 5.

I object... Harvey Birdman Review

jsaystoyou — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 20:51:28 +0000

Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law-PS2, Wii, Psp

Quite simply, the biggest question I had in reviewing Harvey Birdman, was "Is this even really a game?"
Playing much like the old laser disc detective "games" we had in my 6th grade biology class, you watch a short film, and decide where to go next, the formula is hardly innovative, or fun, and hardly interactive enough to be called a game. The 4 cases are very short, incredibly easy, and chock full of the trademark William's Street humor you expect from something bearing the Adult Swim logo.
It really felt more like I was playing an overly complicated compilation DVD of lost episodes then monkeying around with my game system of choice, considering I was using my remote (not a controller) and caring more about the hilarity that would ensue than completing the cases.
There's no real difficulty to speak of, as the game is mostly based in trial and error, but you do run into little things that could be more clear, but that's mostly an interface complication than an actual brain teaser.
Graphically the game holds true to the series, but that's nothing to brag about considering there's no interactive animation to participate in. On the audio front, all the original voice actor's are included, but when the game is run through a surround sound system the voice overs have an odd echo. Still, Gary Cole, Lewis Black and company will have you laughing when they can, and that is fairly often.
After completing the game in less than 4 hours, and laughing here and there, I can't really recommend this game to anyone but the most hardcore HB fans, and if you're really needing some William's street love on the game front, you're better off with Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie ninja Pro Am.
I give Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law, 1.5 "Did you get that thing I sent ya"s out of 5.

Naruto: Path of the Ninja DS

kenneth.holm — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 20:04:28 +0000

Naruto: Path Of The Ninja A Review by Kenneth Holm Dorkgasm Senior Staff Writer In the crash, boom, bang world of the ninja, one role-playing game stands out for the Nintendo DS. Naruto: Path Of The Ninja is currently the only RPG in America featuring the pubescent, yellow haired ninja for any video game system, and it feels like a Game Boy Advance retread. There is, of course, a good reason for that. This game was originally released as Naruto RPG: Uketsugareshi Hi no Ishi for the GBA over in Japan. When the DS came along, they repackaged it for American DS consumers in order to capitalize on the current popularity of Naruto here. In bringing the game to US shores, several characters and missions had to be excised because we were not up to that point in the anime. What we are left with is an RPG that will take approximately 10-15 hours to complete. Not too terribly long, but good enough for a cross-country ride in the car. The game starts with the introduction of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura to their new teacher, Kakashi. The game then puts you into the shoes of each team member as they strive to retrieve a bell from Kakashi. After you fight your way through this trial, you officially become a genin, or ninja in training. This is where the real game starts. After a couple bullshit missions, you are charged with guarding an elderly bridge builder, which fans will remember as Tazuna. Once you begin your mission, you meet up with the nefarious Demon Brothers and the unstoppable force that is Zabuza Mimochi. Once you destroy Zabuza and his youthful apprentice Haku, it’s on to the Chunin Exams. While there, you will meet several characters from the show and engage in a variety of battles. Included here is the first task, which takes the form on a complex series of directional inputs and screen rubbing. Also present is the battle in the Forest Of Death, during which you meet up with dubious Leaf Village ninja Kabuto. The third task takes place over a preliminary qualifying battle and a more focused series of battles later. During this third task, everything goes to hell, and Sasuke is forced to take off after Gaara and his Sand cronies. Naruto and another team give chase and soon become embroiled in several high-profile battles that will test your aptitude and patience. The whole game sticks very close to the established storyline, which is why I can only recommend this game to Naruto aficionados. The game ends after the final battle with Gaara Of The Sand, but it’s not completely over. There is a smattering of items that can be unlocked, such as the Fourth Hokage’s sword, a powerful fan for use as a weapon, and pervy sage Jiriya as a playable character. All in all, this game is a wonderful entry level RPG for the young Naruto fan that you know and love. It can also act as a perfect introduction if you have not watched the series at all. However, if you, like me, have watched every current episode and have already gotten into the Naruto Shippuden series, it will leave you wanting more. Tomy has plans of bring the next of the Ninja Council series and another RPG out some time in 2008, so the rest of us will just have to wait with baited breath until we can get another fix.

Rayman: Raving Rabbids

photodork — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 14:31:10 +0000

Rayman: Raving Rabbids By Jessica Riedlinger             I do not claim to be a gamer in any sense of the word, but I, like anyone else, occasionally enjoy sitting down in front of the square box that seems to be the focal point of my living room and diverting my attention from reality with mindless video games. Rarely, however, does that diversion suck me in so completely that I feel an unnatural compulsion to explore every little detail from beginning to end. This twisted, evil little game has done just that, sucking away my life force with every second of game play. As horrible as that sounds, it has been a fun little trip down the road to oblivion.

            Rayman: Raving Rabbids for the Nintendo Wii has a simple enough premise. Taken by surprise while picnicking with a group of baby Globoxes, Rayman is kidnapped by a hoard of Rabbids that spring up from the ground. These dementedly psychotic looking bunnies imprison Rayman in an arena and force him to complete a seemingly endless string of bizarre challenges for no reason other than their own perverse amusement. Each day in the arena consists of four tests of skill ranging from ridiculously simple to moderately difficult. However, unless you have the patience of a Buddhist monk, some of the more exacting trials may result in a Wii controls embedded in the inner workings of your TV.             Each of the challenges fit into one of four categories: bunny hunts, sports, challenges, and shake your bootys. Once you complete each contest, it becomes available for play in score mode. While this may sound straightforward enough, the creativity of the actual mini-games will definitely keep you amused, befuddled, and on your toes. With names like “Bunnies are bad at peek-a-boo,” “Bunnies don’t use toothpaste,” “Bunnies have a poor grasp of anatomy,” and “Bunnies have a soft spot for plungers”, you can certainly tell that the creators of this game have a truly warped sense of humor, but until you actually play this game you have no idea the extent of the depravity.

            At the end of each day, you are required to complete a gauntlet of sorts in which your aim with a toilet plunger is put to the test. Once the tribunal is successfully completed, you are taken back to your cell where all of the bonus materials earned throughout the day await you. These absurd amenities ranging from costume pieces to music to decor definitely focus on fashion, not function, except for the token toilet plunger awarded to you for each completed day in the arena. These toilet plungers will one day be your means of escape. I personally have not reached that goal as of yet, but I eagerly await what promises to be an extremely bizarre reward when I do.             The graphics of this game while intentionally scant and crass are still decent, the skill level seems to pander to the abilities of a newborn chimp, but the overall absurdity and absolutely demented amusement value make it all worthwhile. Rayman: Raving Rabbids is definitely worth buying unless you are lucky enough to borrow a copy from a co-worker for an extended period. Little does she know that she may not be getting it back for quite some time. Difficulty: Overall Fun: If you already own this game, Rayman: Raving Rabbids 2 promises to be even better!
Rayman Raving Rabbids 2 - The best bloopers are here