Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            While 2008 was an amazing year for games, it wasn't without its share of WTF moments, or flat out crying-shame disappointments. This list isn't covering just game releases, but the industry's gaffes as a whole. So lets get started shall we?

10. Playstation Home not welcomed.

Well, now that the public "beta" has been opened, and I've spent a few hours there, myself and thousands of other gamers have responded with a resounding "THIS!!!??? Was what all that hype was about?" Now, I'll concede that most of the major features have yet to be implemented, but Christ on a crutch, this shit is just Secondlife or Myspace/Playstation. Not a win, but then again, there's always next year.

9. Next Gen JRPGs are late to the party.

Yeah, we've got some Namco Bandai fare, and a nugget of gold here and there, but where's the love for the 360 and PS3 when it comes to the big dogs? Atlus and Square Enix are still fashionably late to the next gen bash, and its starting to get old.

8. Online functionality offline.

Okay, let's not ignore the elephant in the room, Xbox Live was down for weeks at a time this summer. The Playstation network was buggy-as-fuck for certain games. Yeah it happens, but if you want to claim that this is the future for the medium, let's clean up some of the shit already.

7. Where the fuck you at?

Is anyone else sick of hearing about Resident Evil 5, Final Fantasy 13, Kingdom Hearts 3, and God of War 3? I'm all for games coming out “when they're ready” but I'm throwing it down now, shut your mouth until its baking in the oven, don't go running your mouth while you're still preheating and putting the ingredients together.

6. The PSP.

Listen here little buddy, I know you're getting your ass whooped by the DS. This is a popularity contest, and although you're stronger faster and more talented, you really can't be popular if you don't walk the walk. The walk in this business, is games. Yeah you had God of War, and FFVII: Crisis Core, that's a start.

5. Sequelitis is for hypochondriacs.

Seriously, have any of you fuckers bitching about sequels seen some of the new IPs out there? Sure you get a gem here and there (Little Big Planet, Dead Space), but really? Look at most of the unknowns out there (Legendary, Turning Point, TNA Impact) they aren't playing for keeps, so fuck em anyway.

4. Collector's Edition My Ass!

We get it, games are expensive, but making them more expensive and offering little for your extra cash is total bullshit. I don't need a code I can find on the internet, or a sticker and a fancy box, give me more game, dammit!

3. Same old song and dance.

Alright, raise your hand if you're sick of being a floating gun attached to a chin that kills Nazis or aliens, or alien Nazis. That's what I thought. So why is it that every other fucking game that comes out is a WWII or Sci-Fi FPS? On that same note, I have to commend the developers who try something new.

2. Fuck you and your inferior console!!!

We get it, the 360 is “only” $199.99! The PS3 is "only" $399.99! Not only are both these prices still on the south-side of ridiculous, but you're getting an amputee-grade stump of what could have been when you get these cut rate babies. The 360 arcade is a rip off, plain and simple. You have to buy the HD cables (50 bucks) and a hard drive (100 bucks) to get full functionality. When the PS3 came out, it was twice the system it is now, and the only upgrade is more storage capacity! Lame as hell.

1. Wii-Tarded!

            Commercially, the Wii is a monster. Critically, and intelligently however, the system is a clusterfuck of the worst possible variety again. Nintendo's first party blockbusters (SSBB and Mario Kart) were alright, but neither was a jaw-dropping, jizz your pants affair. For most of the year it seems like the big N phoned it in. With seemingly no quality control on the software that runs in the damn thing, and titles like Wii Fit and Wii Music merely existing to make a buck on novelty, Nintendo gets the middle finger from real gamers, and my personal vote for Villain of the Year. Their software lineup this year stands alongside the Sega 32x and Atari Jaguar as quite possibly the worst of all time. Fuck you Nintendo, in the neck, with a cactus dildo, and no lube.