Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

All of which are American Dreams
By
J. Sternberg

Let me just preface this review by saying that it
A. Has NOT been paid for by Rockstar Games
B. Is completely and 100% honest
C. Has only been done after 100% completion of the Single Player Game.

            With that done and said, I know I'm gonna piss somebody off. GTA IV (oddly enough, somewhere between the 8-10th iteration of the series) is the story of an eastern European immigrant, hell bent on revenge, and getting cash. While all the publicity surrounding the game makes mention of the "American Dream", I'd much rather leave that to the already raped-dry DePalma film Scarface and its best video game adaptation GTA:Vice City. This game has about as much "American dream" related content as your local Wal-Mart's SS Manifesto, er I mean, "business plan".

            As much as I'd like to split hairs on the story of the game, I can't call it anything less than epic, phenomenal or fantastic. GTA IV sets a new benchmark for the open world crime simulator when it comes to narrative, and I'd likely challenge anything over the next 10 years to come close. Niko is a sympathetic deviant, with more heart than any of the other GTA protagonists before, and you can't help but get hooked on his tale of revenge. This is largely due to the brilliant pacing of the game. I almost put my Dual Shock 3 down after the first hour, only to have a major plot point revealed, and the hooks dug deeper.

            That being said, the method to Rockstar's medium needs to be called into question. I love the previous entries to the GTA series, and this is by far the best, but they're still far behind some of the clones out there. I grew damn near sick to death of the "go here kill that guy" or "go there and kill those guys" missions, and while it was sweet as hell to not have to participate in nearly as many of the god awful GTA race missions, the variety was still sorely lacking. Also lacking is a decent checkpoint system (more on that later) a solid selection of weapons, and a decent control system.

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            You read it right, I love this game compared to the other GTA games out there, but those gripes are MAJOR. Only one real "go here and kill this guy" stuck out as being exceptional, and although the game offers a couple alternative paths, nothing actually changes in the game other than the victim of your final mission. SPOILER: No matter what you choose, you lose some dumb-ass tertiary character you'd never care about in the final (although beautifully rendered and well directed) cut-scene. Most other choices in the game are rectified by later encounters, and have little consequences on the game as a whole.

            Dorkgasm regulars know my stance on poor control and GTA IV has that in SPADES. Try to control a vehicle in the game, I fucking DARE YOU. All of the rides in the game run like they're on ice, and will only stop if you have both your brakes (hand and standard) to the max. Drifting (to the completely uneducated, turning while using your parking brake), while useful in many other games, proves to be as valuable as a dick in the middle of your forehead, often causing the car to come to a complete stop until the camera adjusts, FUN! Much like all of the other failures in the game, THQ's Saint's Row did them better last year. Again, in disservice to GTA IV, customization is completely absent from this title, which San Andreas had more than its fair share of. I may not be a fan of having to make my character lift weights or eat and sleep to stay healthy, but I do like making my avatar resemble who I'd like to puppeteer in an interactive experience.

            Your character's choice in auto-targeting is equally as intelligent in some of the more difficult missions, choosing to train his killer instinct on an innocent bystander as opposed to a real threat. This leads to many of the game’s incredibly STUPID checkpoint restarts, which basically suck ass beyond belief. Sure, you don't have to drive back to your contact, but all other poorly implemented driving segments must be completed again, just to get back to where you got stuck (often due to other game failures). The weapons also hark back to a simpler day of pistol; fully automatic pistol; shotgun; assault rifle; super awesome explodey weapon. That was rad in the days of Doom, but we have had, and will have better selections.

            Another area where GTA typically blows people away is its soundtrack, which I basically told to fuck off after realizing that several of the stations have less than a 20 minute loop. Other than this, GTA IV has an amazing lifelike world, with pedestrians, TV stations, comedy clubs and the like. These all converge to envelope you in a seemingly real world that lacks better judgment on every level. The stand-up comedians are funny, the cabaret's suck, and much like real life, 80 percent of the TV is worthless, but the other 20% is gold.

            I'd love to rave about GTA IV and say its gaming’s equivalent to Nirvana, but I'm just too honest. The truth of the matter is that games these days who fuck up on this many simple concepts should be blown to bits in the critical scope. GTA IV escaped this somehow in the critical realm, I and I think that's a travesty. I'll concede simply (and have battened down the hatches for hate mail) that GTA IV is a good game, fun to play through once, and maybe again, but nowhere near perfect.

I give GTA IV 3.75 "Saint's Row 2 is coming soon"'s out of 5.