Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Okay so this week is certainly better than some we have seen recently. There’s a wicked set of sisters, a teleporting loser, some very funny killers and a guy who just wants to go to prom.

Jumper Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Lane
Anywhere is possible.

            Due to a genetic deformity David (Christensen) can jump through space and eventually finds himself in the middle of a war that has been raging between other jumpers and those set on killing them. Being a person who lost all respect for Hayden… oh wait I have to have respect for someone in the first place in order to lose it. Dude, the guy sucks, so I chose not to watch something I was pretty sure would suck-ass. However, Mike took the bullet and actually saw this in the theatre so feel free to refer to his review of the film. I think you will find that we share a similar opinion of this over-rated actor, but he can actually tell you about the movie too.

The Other Boleyn Girl Scarlet Johnansen, Natalie Portman, Eric Bana, Jim Sturgess
The only thing that could come between these sisters... is a kingdom.

            Okay we do already have reviews for this movie, one apparently involving a monster baby but here is yet another. Based on a best selling novel, the movie tells the story of the Boleyn family, Mary, Anne and George Boleyn, and their relationship to King Henry the VIII. Most people know the story of how Anne convinced Henry to divorce his wife and therefore create the Church of England. She gave birth to Elizabeth Tudor. Then, when she was found unable to produce an heir to the throne, she was beheaded and the King moved on to his next bride. Few people know that Anne’s sister Mary also had a child with Henry VIII. Yeah the guy gets around. Anyway, the movie shows the way that the two sisters related to each other during this time. As opposed to the film Anne of a Thousand Days, the story focuses on the sisters and not the romance between Anne and Henry with Mary as a quiet bystander. The film is not the most action-packed, and could have been greatly improved with a better score, but it is a poignant telling of the story. It is obviously adapted from a book considering the way that the storyline jumps more then Hayden Christensen. So my advice, read the book to get the story of this family and if you want to watch a good movie about this family, get Elizabeth: The Golden Age.

            Two serial killers so polite you can barely bring yourself to hate them take a family hostage and begin eliminating each of them through interesting and quirky games. When a serial killer makes you play hot/cold to find your dead dog, yeah that’s quirky and fun. And they do it with a smile the whole time. There are some slow parts in the middle, but it will leave you with a smile on your face too. It is mildly irritating how stupid the victims are. They literally just let everything happen to them. Perhaps because of their social class, they are not used to being rough with people, but I think fighting back even a little would have been nice. And the one moment of victory from the victims is quickly taken away, much to my disappointment, even though it does help make the movie worth watching. Very funny and wildly entertaining.

Otis Illeana Douglas, Daniel Stern, Ashley Johnson, Bostin Christopher
Why can’t you just play play along?

            A lonely and psychotic pizza delivery guy kidnaps a young girl and keeps her locked up in a room in his basement where he acts out a high school fantasy of taking his older brother’s wife Kim to the prom. The combination of a socially awkward villain, a hysterical family, and a girl who is willing to play along makes this movie a riot to watch. Not the typical hostage-slasher movie, it does have a fair amount of gore but also lines like “we’ll cut off his fingers and toes and your dad can blend them into a smoothie and we can make him drink it”. The ending leaves a little to be desired, but generally leaves you giggling. Check it out. If you have the choice between this movie, The Eye, or Jumper, watch this one.

Also coming to DVD this week:
Bucket List
The List
The Signal
Witless Protection
You Belong to Me