Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            Okay so let me rant for just a minute. Being a person of sound mind and body, I generally find it extremely irritating when I watch a movie for two hours that is total crap. When a movie has no standards of acting, screenwriting, production (from costuming to set production), and then totes itself as a major achievement in cinematic history, I flip. When a movie lacks all of these things, it is not worth the money wasted to make it or the time lost watching it. Unfortunately, a number of these craptastic films wind up with the label “alright if you are chillin”.

            Of course, chillin often refers to being stoned out of ones gourd, but it can pertain to any number of states of altered consciousness. This argument is bullshit! No movie should ever be given credit for being any better than it truly is simply because your ass decided to consciously lower your I.Q. level. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with people getting messed up every once in a while, but understand that in this state you can not make a good judgment call as to whether a movie is any good or not. If you cover crap in vodka and stick a joint in it, it is still fucking crap!!!

            This genre of Stoner Films is a waste of time and money and speaks so lowly of a culture that must get fucked up to find any enjoyment in one of it’s highest grossing films. To name a few that have recently joined the ranks, Walk Hard: the Dewey Cox Story, Strange Wilderness and Meet the Spartans. All of these movie seem to pander to an audience that has such a short attention span that they must be hammered over the head with the jokes over and over and over again throughout the film. Moreover, they contain freakishly sad slapstick situations that leave a bad taste in your mouth after the twentieth nut shot. Alright, we get it, it hurts when you hit a guy in the groin, but could we please get the fuck over it and move on. Also, having to actually narrate to the audience which pop personas the film is attempting to parody makes anyone with a brain groan.

            These films read as if someone with too much time and money made a couple of stupid jokes at a party and then, through some fucked up overdeveloped ego, thought that they were ingenious enough to create a great film out of flimsy punch lines and adolescent friendly content. Have the masses of America truly become the dumb-ass twenty-somethings that receive all of their news from US Weekly and only know a few sentences beyond “beer rocks!” and “dude, chicks with tits rule”? These empty-headed people have always turned my stomach, and the fact that multi-million dollar films are beginning to pander to these dumb-asses brings bile to my mouth. Learn something. Watch the fucking news. Read a book with out Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan or any other plastics in it. Perhaps crawl out from under your smoke filled, liquor scented cave lit only by a blue T.V. screen and experience the world. I guarantee you the place is much more interesting when you actually fucking live and can make knowledgeable observations in the world you live in.

            Chillin is fine ONCE IN A WHILE, but it should not happen so often that you are viewing things in only that state of mind and attempting to view all of life that way. Nothing that is totally crappy is any better when you are fucked up… Ever. NO, not even sex, and certainly not film. If you want funny humor that actually makes you think, watch the new Onion Movie or Juno, but please do not come up to me and tell me that a movie whose funniest moment involves a pissed off turkey is good in any state of mind. Just get the hell away from me before I turn and truly kick you into the pit of death, where you belong.