Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Close Encounters of the Jones Kind
By
Michael C. Riedlinger
Editor-In-Chief

            By most American standards, the summer season doesn’t launch until Memorial Day weekend. This is often true for the movie business as well, and 2008 kicks in with Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Some fans may come away disappointed, but they shouldn’t. Hang on to your fedoras, this review is FULL OF SPOILERS!

            This time around, Indy throws down with the KGB. Compensating for the fact that Harrison Ford is now older than Sean Connery was when he played Dr. Henry Jones Sr., Spielberg and company set this outing in 1957. In fact, it all starts off with some rather cute groundhogs living near the nuclear testing sites near Area 51. I’ve heard many people complaining about aliens in this one, but if they were really that concerned, they would have bolted in the first few minutes of the film when we actually see Area 51, because that’s probably a dead give away, right? Besides, anyone who’s looked into the ACTUAL hoopla surrounding the crystal skulls (there’s two of them) should already know where in Ancient Mysteries with Leonard Nimoy territory.

            The story in Indy 4 is that the KGB is after alien skulls because it might be able to unlock a cosmic mind weapon that could turn the tide of the Cold War. They want Jones’ help because, frankly, Dr. Jones is a badass. Of course, it helps that everyone else that has been looking for the thing is tied to Indy anyway. Miriam Ravenwood is back, and we meet some new “old friends” as well, Ox and Mac. The latter, though newcomers played by John Hurt and Ray Winstone respectively, fit into the Indy mythos rather smoothly. Also along for the ride is Mutt Williams, who is so obviously Indy’s kid that I don’t feel crappy “spoiling” it for anyone.

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            The KGB gathers all the players together in the jungles of South America to look for the fabled skull as well as it’s home, the lost city of El Dorado. Cate Blanchett hams it up as the dastardly evil Dr. Irina Spalko, a KGB super spy in charge of harnessing the rumored psychic powers in the alien skull. Her villainy is on par with Col. Dietrich from Raiders, even prompting some Russian communists to push for a ban of the film because it might give people the wrong idea about Cold War commies (I thought Stalin did that?). Once the puzzles start coming, the action doesn’t slow down. This was actually a minor problem for me, as I’ve always enjoyed the riddle solving moments in the prior Indy films most of all. Nothing comes close to the moment in Raiders where our hero reveals the resting place of the Ark via sun-laser! Still, as much as that element was lacking, I had fun.

            By the time the group has fought off deforesting machines, ravaging ants, and anachronistic Amazonian savages, you’ll almost forget that not much thought seems to have gone into the script this time. This outing is better than Temple of Doom, and only about as good as Last Crusade, but lacking the panache of one very much missed Scotsman. Shia LaBeouf does a good job as Henry “Mutt Williams” Jones III, and the sequence at the malt shop is priceless. In order to get himself and Dr. Jones away from some KGB agents, he sucker-punches a jock. This gets him shoved into a group of extras straight of the set of Brando’s The Wild One and an old-fashioned saloon-style slobber-knocker ensues. It helps that LaBeouf’s wardrobe looks like it was lifted straight from the latter movie… trust me.

            I can’t express how much I really did enjoy Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but I have to admit that the “aliens” were kind of a put-off. Despite the fact that it turns out they are “inter-dimensional beings”, it still feels out of place for Indiana Jones. Sure, Lucas and Spielberg needed to update the setting to suit Harrison Ford’s age, and the MacGuffin here is perfect for that, but there’s something unique about the World War II era, where good and evil were so clear cut, that is missing from this film. The reality of crack-pot psychics with crystals and other doo-hickeys of “mystical ancient energy” just falls flat compared to the raw power of symbolism inherent in the Ark of the Covenant. That said, I still don’t think anyone should miss this film this summer. If you’re lucky enough to live near an outdoor drive-in, this film makes a perfect double feature and that leaves other entertainment opportunities open to you should you disagree with my must see assessment this time around or if you find surviving an atomic blast by hiding in a lead-lined fridge too unbelievable.