Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            Do I believe in God? Of course. Like every God-fearing Republican, I am in total awe of our Creator. However, I do take offense to some of the shit that is done in his name. War, hatred, and dubious political actions are put under the all-encompassing “Christianity” banner, and it pisses me off to no extent. However, one entity out there really grinds my beans more than any other. I am talking about those schmucks at the Westboro Baptist Church.

            These idiots pick a slogan, and dad-gummit, they stick to it. For years now, the WBC has plastered national media and the Internet with their hate speech. This is best personified with the name of their website: “God Hates Fags”. Headed up by the head moron Fred Phelps Sr., these hatemongers made their biggest media splash at the funeral for Matthew Shepard. Many of you will remember Shepard as being the young gentleman who was beaten to death for being gay. The WBC picketed the funeral with signs saying “God Hates Fags” and “Matthew Shepard Rots In Hell”. Yeah, at his funeral, no less. Phelps, Sr. even had the balls to call Matthew’s mom a whore and said she was a mother from Hell and she would join Matthew soon. Jesus, what a fucking douchebag.

            Oh, but wait! It gets even better! Remember that little event that took place on September 11th, 2001? Now, how could Phelps and his un-PC band of idiots find fault with that? Well, they didn’t. It turns out that 9/11 was a rallying point of the WBC. You can now see their placards bearing the motto “Thank God For 9/11”. They even picket Billy Graham revivals because Graham, one of the most insidious televangelists in the world, will not adopt the “God Hates Fags” motto. Then, there was that crazy incident when a bunch of miners were trapped below the surface in the Sago Mine. There appeared to be no “fags” inside, so Phelps decided that the collapsing of the mine was God’s revenge against America for tolerance of homosexuality. What does this guy do for an encore; castrate my puppy while he jumps up and down on an American flag?

            On January 22nd, however, they finally hit the straw that broke the camel’s back. Hollywood and the rest of the world were just rocked by the death of Heath Ledger, a promising young film star. While Ledger was not gay, he was involved in a little movie called Brokeback Mountain. In the words of the WBC’s press release announcing their intent to picket Ledger’s funeral, “God hates fags and fag enablers! Ergo, God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as “Brokeback Mountain”. We are also assured that “Heath Ledger is now in Hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there- beside which, nothing else about Heath Ledger is relevant or consequential”.

            So, for the first official Villain of the Week of 2007, I submit the Westboro Baptist Church. Fred Phelps Sr. and his bunch of hatemongering ne’er-do-wells will hopefully get their comeuppance in the future. For now, however, they will remain a thorn in humanity’s side. May God have mercy on… oh, fuck it. May God allow them to roast in Hell forever right next to Adolph Hitler. These bastards hate everyone except themselves, and I hope they get something to equal the pain and suffering they have caused thousands of intelligent, humane people.

            Thanks to Dorkgasm writer “Emperor Kursan” for pointing their newest hate campaign out.