Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            When approached with the idea of writing something for Dorkgasm, I tossed around many ideas, ideas such as, my deep hatred of the Underworld Series or maybe even Electra. But those will have to be saved for another day, as today one of my greatest and most powerful pet peeves reared its ugly head. Consequently, I had no choice but to address it, as the blinding rage that it induces will push all other coherent and civilized thought out of my brain.

            That being said, I'd like to review for you the Egg and cheese biscuit at McDonald’s. Well I would, except that I CAN NEVER FUCKING ORDER ONE 'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS MESS IT UP!!

            “Oh but Chris," you say, "You mean to complain about the mediocre service at a fast food joint? That’s nothing new or exciting!" Well you’re right, except that when it comes to the Egg and Cheese Biscuit from "the Mac Donald’s", the percentage of time they get my order wrong borders on a fucking conspiracy, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the Kennedy assassination!! (Or maybe 9/11... too soon? Ah whatever…)

            See, here's the deal. I am a fussy, tiny, woman when it comes to food. As large as my moobs (man boobs) appear, the reality is that I am terrible at being a fat man. I don’t like chocolate. I hate flavor, hot stuff, condiments, and things on my food. I just like bread / item / bread. So I go to Mc Donald’s and order a damn EGG and CHEESE biscuit. Let me repeat that. This sandwich consists of EEEEEGGG and CHEEEESE. It’s not complicated. No sausage. No bacon. Just fucking egg and cheese. Now why is it that when I say this at the drive-thru, I have a 10% chance of getting this damn sandwich?

            Let me go thru the PLETHORA of things that I have gotten INSTEAD of my Egg and Cheese Biscuit. This list includes but is not limited to: egg bacon and cheese, egg sausage and cheese, a sausage biscuit, a plain fucking biscuit, a CHEESE biscuit (no eggs no nothing, just melted cheese on a biscuit), a MC GRIDDLE, even a goddamned FRUIT GRAPE CUP THING! One time, no I'm not kidding you, I got a GODDAMN CHICKEN SANDWICH...THEY AREN'T EVEN SERVING LUNCH! ITS FUCKING 6 IN THE MORNING!!! WHYYY!?!

            I mean, seriously! You would think I was doing them a favor by limiting the amount of ingredients that the fucking lobotomized half-zombie they have "cooking" for them has to put on my sandwich! (I use the term cooking loosely at McDonald’s, as I'm sure it’s just some warming tray jamboree carousel product that they drop into my gullet).

            So, after the first, oh, 10 misorders, I decided to put my deductive reasoning to the test. At first, I thought that it was in how I said it. My words usually came out "egg n’ cheese", and sometimes that was met with a "wha huh?" over the mic, as if I had just said, "shit in my mouth". So I tried using different inflections in my order, like "An egg biscuit with cheese" or "AN EGG AND CHEESE BIZKIT, JUST EGG AND CHEESE, THAT’S IT, NOTHING ELSE! OK? OK?" Both of these attempts fell on deaf ears apparently. So more and more I'd get my order fucked up, and I'd watch the little red LCD "DOUBLE CHECK ORDER HERE" sign... BUT WAIT! That was my clue! You see, the screen would always show, like, 100 things… Like egg and sausage biscuit, minus something, plus something, and it would read like the goddanm matrix read out before getting to some Frankenstienian code that would apparently mean "an egg and cheese biscuit", so that’s it!

            I have deduced that McDonald’s must have no button for "egg and cheese". It has to be… it’s the only explanation! My grassy knoll theory is backed up by my latest debacle, which inspired this rant… I mean, review.

            My old bastard of a grandma gave me a $10 gift card to McDonald’s to go pick us up some food the other morning. So I go up to the drive-thru and, with a sigh, I pray to my dark 3-headed goat god that they will get this the fuck right. I belt out my "ZOMG I WANT 3 EGG AND CHEESE BIZKETS NUB" and I watched as the code on the red screen began to form into the face of an agent (JUST RUN NEO!) as the server attempted to process my order into the McMatrix. This one was especially awesome. It read egg-egg-egg, biscuit-biscuit-biscuit, cheese-cheese-cheese... that will be $9.75... WTF!? I look over to my left and see that fucking pedo-clown Ronald (HEY HEY KIDS!) holding a sign that says "2 for $3 biscuits". How the hell did we get to $9.75? Wow, this is a monumental fuck up. Not only is this order gonna be wrong but I'm totally gonna be paying like triple the price for it! JOYOUS FUCKING DAY! Good thing I hate my grandma and don't feel bad losing her gift card on this insanity. So I pull around and this nugget in a tie is like, “$9.50” and I'm like, “Uh your Michael Jackson wannabe clown said this will only be like 5 bucks at max”, and he's like, “Uh, no cause we don't sell those, you have to order it’s entire constituent parts SEPERATELY”. It is then, as I was about to ask for his manager, that he turns and I see on his chest… oh yes... Tag: MANAGER... Fuck!

            So, on a good note, I have in fact had an Egg and Cheese Biscuit from McDonald’s. Maybe like 25% of the time I get one, and from the one's I've had I can tell you that they are processed food at its finest and I highly recommend one! Just, you know, keep within blast radius of a toilet for the next few hours so that when you have your inevitable shitacane you won't ruin that special date or funeral or whatever. Now I don’t know if this is just a ME thing, or if everyone gets boned on this, but feel free to test it yourself. If it’s just me, well hey, then more reason for me to get paranoid that Ronald is messing with my brain, and when I finally snap and pull out two AK’s wearing my tin foil hat and birthday suit, I'll be sure to hunt him down first. But if it IS a problem, then by all means, we need to write to our congressmen or something. It’s a national tragedy... Bon Appetite!

My Final review:

The elusive Egg and Cheese Biscuit: 11/10

The Mc Donald’s service: -10/Dogshit