Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

The Chipmunk Adventure Classic Review By Anonymous Jones             While suffering through Alvin and the Chipmunks this past weekend, I spotted fellow Dorkgasm reporter Ken in the theater. We had a brief conversation afterwards, during which we both remarked that this movie sucked at life, and The Chipmunk Adventure was the far-superior film. We flipped a coin, and he lost, meaning he wrote the review for the current stinker. I, on the other hand, got to write the review for the better movie. Ain’t life grand?             The Chipmunk Adventure began life in 1987 as a release by Bagdasarian Production and the Samuel Goldwyn Company. As luck would have it, Disney has just fired a ton of animators, so Russ Bagdasarian, Jr. scooped them up, resulting in this incredibly beautiful feature presentation. The story starts out with Dave Seville leaving on a business trip. While our chipmunk heroes want to go, Dave puts the old kibosh on that, bringing the myopic Mrs. Miller and her Chipettes in to help keep an eye on the boys. The usual hijinks ensue, and soon Alvin Seville and Brittany Miller are bickering with each other about who would win in a race around the world. Well, this is convenient to the plot, as international jewel thieves Klaus and Claudia Furschtien are looking for a way to coordinate their jewel drop offs and money pickups. Faster than you can say “primary conflict”, the Chipmunks and Chipettes are off on a whirlwind adventure fraught with peril and superb musical numbers.             Following an “Around the World In Thirty Days” format, the race consists of dropping off a Chipmunk doll and picking up a Chipette doll, or vice versa for the girls. While Alvin, Simon, and Theodore start off in Mexico, Brittany, Jeanette, and Eleanor head to Bermuda. Along the way, the Chipmunks encounter a tribe who worships Theodore and a lot of other inconveniences. The Chipettes have to deal with a sultan, cobras, and a brief trip to Antarctica. The two teams briefly cross paths in Athens and decide to engage in that centuries-old method of proving who is better: The rock-off. The resulting song, “Boys and Girls Of Rock and Roll”, is one of the best songs to ever come out of an eighties musical. You know, while I’m on the subject of the music, I do have to say that the selection of tunes heard here completely blow the new movie out of the water. The Chipmunks perform a rocking rendition of “Wooly Bully” for the Theodore-worshipping tribe and a song montage while in Mexico, while the Chipettes rock out several great songs including “Diamond Dolls” and “Getting Lucky”, which is performed to an audience of poisonous cobras. There is one standout song, though. While in the imprisonment of a Sultan, the Chipettes find a baby penguin. After escaping, Brittany finds out that Eleanor has taken the penguin with hopes of returning it to Antarctica. While the baby penguin sinks deeper into sickness, the girls sing the incredibly heart-breaking “My Mother” to the penguin. This song is one of the most thoroughly saddening songs ever written, and I’m choking back tears just thinking about it. When I first saw this as a kid, I burst into full crocodile tears mode and wailed for hours afterward. That’s a powerful song, folks. I don’t care what way you try to cut it. Odds are you teared up a little bit, too. Don’t lie.             I had the honor of introducing this to the Jones boys earlier in the year when I found it on DVD at the local Wal-Mart. They loved it as much as I did when I first saw it. This just goes to show that while Pixar may be the current throne of power, there still is a market for 2D animation, just so long as it has a great story. This movie does have a great story, and it rocks out in ways that other cartoons have forgotten how to. I recommend it to everyone who has a soul, and even those chumpos who sold theirs to get ahead in life. It’s a worthwhile addition to any DVD collection, and I suggest you do it. I mean now, fucko. I’ll wait.