Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            Many of our readers are aware of two of the most famous dork magazines in this world. Fangoria and Starlog both cater to the dork culture crowd with horror and science fiction coverage respectively. Both are owned by Kable News Co., which keeps a warehouse in Oregon, IL., or rather “kept”. On Wednesday, there was a large fire that originated within the warehouse, which holds a backlog of back issues of these and other movie related magazines. The fire started when a forklift tine struck a gas line. All twenty employees got out safely, and the fire brigades from Oregon as well as several surrounding towns and cities kept the fire under control until it was left as a smoldering pile of ruined magazines and building materials. Well, all’s well that ends well, right? Not so quick, my fine Dorks…

            It would seem that this is a questionable event. While others out there are bringing you news of your back issues suddenly being worth more money, Dorkgasm has cut to the quick and done a little research. It would seem, to paraphrase Hamlet, that something is indeed rotten in the state of Illinois. On Wednesday morning at around 10:30am, more than two hundred firefighters responded to the blaze and were unable to save the building. As of Thursday, the building was still smoldering, but fire officials and the building’s owners were only standing by. Yes, you read that correctly. They were no longer fighting the blaze. According to the Rockford Register Star, one fire official was quoted as saying that the only way to quash the fire was to let it burn down on its own. Now, I know you are going to be asking the obvious question. “Why didn’t the sprinkler system kick on and quench the fire?” Good question. I asked that myself, and found the answer. Apparently, according to Fangoria’s own website, the sprinkler system was deliberately shut off. Now, as I sit here and type this diatribe, fire marshals are still currently investigating this situation, but the damage done has totaled around $8 million dollars. Now, from what I’ve told you, doesn’t that seem a bit convenient?

            Fangoria seems to have a lot to gain from such an inconvenient fire now, don’t they? It seems that Fangoria Comics opened its doors and closed mysteriously after only about two months. It’s been said that the closing was due to delays and lack of interest. However, if you look deeper online, you find that money may have had something to do with it. Even the “Official Press Release” said it was due to “franchise-wide downsizing”, which is usually corporate codespeak for “We ain’t got enough monies to do shit”. In another related story, Fangoria TV also shut down due to financial woes. This is only the latest in a series of financial issues the company has been experiencing as of late.

            I would have to say, though, the most damning piece of evidence that points to a possible scam is Fangoria itself. They posted their admission of the fire today. If you are reading this in the future, it is currently Monday, December 10th. Why, oh why, would Fangoria decide to post something a whopping FOUR DAYS after everyone else knew about the fire? Also interesting to note is that on the Fangoria message boards, the first person to note the fire was a first-time poster. No history at all. The admin on the boards were taken completely aback and claimed that they had no knowledge of what this person was saying. Does that not strike you as a little suspicious? Let’s look at everything. What do Fangoria and Starlog have to lose? Not a damn thing, really. With a name that isn’t even worth the paper it’s printed on these days, the only place the company could go is up. In flames. Insurance is a dirty mistress, Fango, and if the fire marshals find anything at all is even the slightest suspect, it could mean an $8 million dollar hit with nothing to back it up.

            Which, by my count, could very nearly spell the end of Fangoria as an entity. We will be keeping tabs on this investigation as it develops, Dorks. Look at the bright side, though. We don’t even HAVE a warehouse…