Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Assassin's Creed
By
Gerald Robinson

            So let’s get it all straight. Every year a handful of games come out of some of the largest and most respected development houses on the planet. These games are billed as the biggest and baddest-asses on the block, with shiny pictures and promised features. It’s called hype. It’s everywhere, and unless you’ve taken an Ash sized sleeping draught while trying to avoid the Evil Dead, then you’re bound to be buried under a ton of it. What was one of the world’s biggest darlings this last year?


Assassin’s Creed


            In short, you’re a hotshot assassin with a chip on his shoulder that gets busted by the master of his guild after bungling the latest caper. Rather than gut your ass for breaking the creeds, he decides to fake your death and let you regain your status step by step through a series of assassination missions that span three cities. Along the way, you’ll regain access to abilities and acquire new weapons to dispatch your enemies. Sounds great, right? Everyone wants to be a tough-as-shit assassin. Hell, anything with ass in its title twice has to be worth its weight in gold.

            Wrong! Assassin’s Creed is the most disappointing title of 2007 and because of it being over hyped, because the developers said it was the next best thing since snausages, it comes off as one of the worst titles of the year all around.

            I’ll hit on the silver lining to that Everest sized storm cloud first. After all, it’s the smallest bit to talk about. The story in this game rocks. It’s almost worth playing this game from beginning to end just to wring every last bit of juicy, tasty story out of this bastard. The trick is, you’re not really some Crusade-era assassin after all. In fact, you’re some punk-ass “retired” assassin from the near future that has been captured and is being put through a series of gene-history experiments, being forced to relive your ancestors past in order to locate an ancient artifact for a mysterious company. Did I mention spoiler? No? Ah well, too bad. The game “spoils” this for you three minutes after it starts.

            Also, on the plus side are slick controls that let you climb up any surface with a handhold, be it a ledge, a plank of wood, or a jutting metal spike. The graphics are exceptional and truly make the world stand out. As Altair (your Crusade-era assassin) strolls through the cities of Acre, Damascus, and Jerusalem you’ll feel like you’re really visiting them. People wander about and fill the markets going about their daily chores as you slip casually through them unnoticed. It helps as well that the cities are so amazingly constructed. They feel alive, they look real, and the layouts are superb. You could traverse any of the cities a hundred different ways.

            Now for what makes Assassin’s Creed one of the most shitacular experiences of the year. The most glaring issue that the game has is a lack of content. For a sandbox title I expected to find something more to do than the main assassination missions that are given, yet, to my surprise, that is all there was to do! Sure, you can hunt some flags scattered around the countryside and cities or assassinate forty random Templars that are running amuck, but these are just busy work with little to no pay off that are there to keep you from realizing how little there is to do in the game.

            Here’s how you perform an assassination (play the entire game in just a few hours):

            Step 1 – Leave the assassin’s stronghold and wander the useless countryside -Which was only created to waste ten minutes of your time between trips. You’ll find absolutely nothing worth exploring or doing in this area.

            Step 2 – After you’ve reached your destination city, use one of the blatantly advertised entrances. Pretend you’re a monk despite the arsenal strapped to your back and what seems to be the assassin’s guild uniform you’re wearing, try the frontal assault and kill the guards using the idiotically simple, lightly rhythmic, one button combat system (or worse the one button counter, instant kill system), or try climbing across the conveniently placed scaffolding that sits outside all of the cities for easy access.

            Step 3 – Make yourself known to the local assassin’s bureau and let them insult you for your prior misdeeds.

            Step 4 – Climb a large tower that conveniently marks all of the exciting things to do in the area, then either pick pocket a target using the one button thievery technique, sit on a bench that seems to follow around the people with the juiciest information so that you can eavesdrop, or shadow someone into an alley so that you can one button pummel them into telling you about their rubber fetish. You have to complete at least two of these to get permission for the kill, but don’t worry, It’ll only take you about five minutes to do both – combined.

            Step 5 – Report in to the assassin’s bureau for the go ahead.

            Step 6 – Now you rush off to the mark, watch a cut-scene that typically lasts longer than it took you to gather the information on where to find him, kill him using the basic sword techniques, instant kill counter move, or instant kill stealth assassination. Regardless of your method, they’re no more difficult than your average guard.

            Step 7 – Flee as the alarm is raised, hide till it stops, let the assassin’s bureau know the job is done and then wash, rinse, repeat for the rest of the game.

            How long does all of that take? If you’re forced to ride to the city - about ten minutes, another five to gather information, and anywhere from five to ten for the assassination itself. Tack on another minute or two to run from the guards and turn it in and that leaves you with 22-27 minutes per assassination. At that rate you’ll have the game done in about six hours.

            If Assassin’s Creed had bothered to add a game to the game, it would have been worth everyone’s time. As it stands with all of its flaws, it sprinkles on even more devilish hate with a myriad of bugs and freezing issues. My recommendation is that if you’re still interested in this title then you give it a rent and finish it in a weekend. Better, just find some spoilers online and entertain yourself with the story – besides the graphics its where all the money went.


SCORE – 4.0