Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Thanks For Nothin
By
Dr. Sam Kog

            Well howdy-ho motherfuckers! Sorry, that’s the turkey hangover talking. So when the boys asked me to write Villain of the Week for this week, I warned their asses that they’d get nothing but vitriol from me. See, there’s part of me that hates this season that just kicked off. Sure, I have a lot to be thankful for, but should I be thankful for it only once a year? I think not. I know plenty of people who wander this planet like goddamned zombies year round, that is until “The Holidays” start, and then they become something worse, like ugly lesbian porn stars or something.

            First off, what is “Thanksgiving” really? It is a celebration of a lie. A bunch of white folks killed a bunch of not white folks, and now we eat turkey in their memory. Sidebar: Did you know that Ben Franklin actually pushed to get the turkey named the national bird? The rest of the founders liked the Iroquois League’s symbols more, so they stole the Bald Eagle and called it a day. So yeah, small pox and raping a people are cause to get together with a bunch of assholes who we don’t really know and get wasted on good food and booze. The entire concept seems silly to me, and it should seem silly to everyone because there are better ways to spend a day off, aren’t there?

            That brings up another good point. Why do people insist on gathering with their families if they do not like them? I once knew a cat who absolutely had to see his mom for the holidays every year. He would hold over all of his vacation and personal time at work just so he could take off and hang out with this woman as much as possible, and he wasn’t even getting laid! The part that made it ridiculous was that he called his mom a “righteous cunt-bag” the rest of the year. Basically, he couldn’t stand her, but he wasted time he could have been in Acapulco on her anyway. Talk about passive aggressive. Maybe there was a will or something he was trying to get a place in, but fuck that. I spend my Thanksgiving with friends because the family I like is too far away and believe me when I say you don’t want to meet Mrs. Kog’s folks. When you sit around with family at the holidays, do you all gather around the police scanner and gossip about the misfortune of those in your town or city with your loved ones? No? Well let’s just say they don’t either and you call me a liar later, shall we? Some people are just rotten that way, and I’d rather gather my close friends for a potluck than cope with the amorality of “family”.

            These are also the same kind of people with the pretentious “Put Christ back in Christmas” signs in their lawn from the first of November until the snow melts and the Easter Bunny shows up. Sidebar: You know that Christmas has nothing to do with Jesus, right? When the church formed in Rome, the Romans were already old hats when it came to pilfering holidays from other religions. When you throw a tree up and give gifts to children, you are really celebrating Saturnalia and the power one can gain from eating his own children. I think that only works if you’re a Titan, so don’t try that one at home folks. It also coincides with a Mithraic holiday, but that’s for another time. The whole idea that this is a time of year for a small sub-set of society already turned me off when it was WASPs Vs. Native Americans, so why turn it even further into an exclusive fuck-all by making it “Christian”? Hell, you just look like hypocrites the next day when you wake up at the ass-crack of dawn for something you jovially call “BLACK FRIDAY”.

            Now Black Friday is something entirely American. It’s like the Boston Marathon, FIFA World Cup, and the Olympics all rolled into one, but for lazy asshole consumerist junkies. Does anyone in your family do this? They wander out into the blistery winter wind before Apollo’s even hitched up his chariot in order to get “great deals”. That isn’t the part that bothers me though. For all the talk about family and togetherness that goes on this time of year, no one seems to notice the people working on Black Friday. Retail is no fucking fun, usually, and especially so on Black Friday. Hell, the term “Black Friday” was given to the day by the sorry folks who are forced to work it! The shoppers are rude, inconsiderate, and generally treat retail employees like servant mongrels who MUST get them a great deal “or else”. Fuck you very much. These employees are working for way less than they deserve and they aren’t able to go shopping for their loved ones, or sleep in, or in some cases even enjoy what time they might have enjoyed on Thanksgiving! Hell, one cat I know was at work at midnight last night. What the hell? Gerry and Ginger will likely be pulling doubles today at the video game store. They have people they love, but they get to spend this “day off” as wage slaves to the greedy fucks that cannot wait to increase the power and influence of the Credit Card Gods.

            All this and shitty Christmas music too!?!? Come on folks, I like the festive tunes alright I suppose, Gloria Estefan has a pretty song called “Christmas Through Your Eyes”, but let me get through Thanksgiving first! I just finished celebrating the near genocide of a race, and now I’m supposed to jump head first into Saturnalia? Come off you impatient ass-bags. It’s a fucking joke. So many act as if there is no time to slow down and enjoy what they do have or what their future may hold, but that simply is not true. Take it from your old friend Sam; you all need to chill out. Find someone you really do love and call them and spend two hours on the phone with them talking about cookie recipes. Tip your waiter well if you do go out, and be respectful to that guy selling you the ultra-discounted gifts that you are buying. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy and maybe we can all show that to each other more than just once or twice a year. Fuck the holidays, I have a life to live, and so do you.