Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Jack Thompson
Self Appointed Moral Barometer and Professional Jackass

By Kenneth Holm

            Honestly, what can we say that has not been said at least a thousand times before? Jack Thompson, a Florida lawyer, has time and time again attacked the video game industry over issues that he deems to be “unmoral”. What gives him this authority, you ask? Well, like the Blues Brothers, he seems to be on a religious mission from God. Only this mission is not funny in the least.

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            It all began back in the late 1980s, when Thompson, a heretofore unheard of ambulance chaser, ran for State Prosecutor against one Janet Reno. Thompson gave Janet Reno a letter at a campaign function asking her to check a box regarding her sexuality as being homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual. Reno touched his shoulder and said, “I’m only interested in virile men. That’s why I’m not attracted to you.” Thompson sued Reno for battery (you know, because she touched his shoulder) and the moral man of God we know today was born again.

            Thompson began to attack rap music with the debut of 2 Live Crew’s As Nasty As They Wanna Be album. Deeming it unfit for human or beast consumption, he began a crusade against this, and other gangsta rap, including super group N.W.A. As he fought, and spectacularly lost, his battle for decency, he began to focus on the new kid at the playground. Yes, Virginia, Jack Thompson discovered video games.

            Thompson originally began fighting games like Doom, Quake, and most other first person shooters. He said that they trained normal teenagers to become amoral, mindless killing machines. His supporting argument consisted of the number of school shootings during which the killer had been known to play violent video games. Having no actual hard facts to back himself up, he began to find people who would either agree with him wholeheartedly or find people on the fence that he could belittle into complying with his crusade. In February 2003, however, Jack Thompson strode into the ring for the biggest battle he would yet fight. An Ohio youth named Dustin Lynch had been charged with aggravated murder. He was “obsessed” with playing the new game Grand Theft auto III. Thompson proceeded to try to become the boy’s attorney in the case, which the judge rightfully shot down. It seemed that Thompson had been advising the family of the victim at the same time. This is only one of the snake-oil salesmen-like tricks that this asshole would try to pull over his storied career.

            In a stunning move that would normally get Britney’ kids taken away again, Thompson sent his ten year old son into a Miami Best Buy store to purchase Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Being the concerned father, he videotaped an employee selling the game to his son and proceeded to raise holy hell about it. After launching failed attempts on Vice City and Mortal Kombat: Armageddon, he continued to attack such family fare as The Sims 2 as being immoral and just wrong. In 2007, he repeated his Vice City stunt by sending his older son into another Best Buy to buy the game Bioshock, which was rated as “Mature” by the Electronic Software Ratings Board.

            Thompson’s tale is far from over, though. In February 2007, the Florida Bar began to file disbarment proceedings, citing many complaints from people who said that Thompson made defamatory, false statements and had attempted to embarrass, humiliate, or intimidate them. Time will tell if Jack Thompson will be allowed to continue abusing his power of litigation, but regardless of any judicial action, Jack Thompson will remain video gaming’s Public Enemy #1, and a grade-A jackass.