Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

On The Pot: Gunpey By Valerie Douglas There's a rumor circulating in the Dorkgasm offices about my penchant for portable bathroom entertainment. All right, so it's a rumor I started and it's more fact than gossip, and the Dorkgasm heads haven't been saddled with the cost of running an office yet. Still, it's a very funny picture: a girl marching off to sit on the pot and blast a deuce, Nintendo DS in hand. Since receiving one from my loving husband and child for Mother's Day, nary a bowel movement has passed without me wielding that stylus. Being a lady, and one who prefers to shit in the comfort of her own home at that, my digestive tract suffers an inordinate amount of abuse. I have had to stave off explosive diarrhea until I could bombard my private porcelain goddess, made my rectum rumble from the pressure of waiting for a polite moment to fart discreetly, and forced my compacted colon into painted on jeans in the name of fashion. Better than bowl of Muselix and more effective than a stool softener, playing my DS has finally allowed me the opportunity to enjoy pooping in a very masculine manner. My current shitter companion has been Q Entertainment's Gunpey, a puzzle game similar to Tetris only you connect the lines to form winding chains. Also, the pieces are free to slide and shift up and down their columns instead of being stuck in place until a row below it has cleared. Gunpey comes equipped with a wicked awesome soundtrack that runs the gamut from jazz to country; electronic buzzing noises to hip-hop. Each level has its own set of background music, taunts from the opponent, and congratulatory outbursts of successful line making. Depending upon your musical preference, some levels will be more fun to play than others will. I must say, however, that my disdain for country music did not stop me from finding my own rhythm by which to whoop ass. The concept is fairly straightforward as long as you remember that the playing field is scrolling upwards and the game ends when a piece reaches the top. I Figure that should have taken me less than a day to figure out, right? Yeah, well, when you buy a used game on deep discount, the lack of case and instructional booklet is a minor glitch. The game play lends itself well to being used as a distraction from more, uh, pressing matters. As any accomplished pooper knows, it's always better to be doing something when you're on the pot than to sit there, gazing at your shoes and willing that burrito and goulash mess you ingested on a drunken dare to find its way into the bottom of the bowl. I have now found myself working the urge up to drop the kids at the pool twice a day now. With a round in Frontier mode (where new characters, worlds, and dance moves are unlocked) taking easily less than 15 minutes, I can feel twice the accomplishment with an effortless ease known mostly to the breastfeeding set. And if I have just a few moments to pinch a loaf, I can always dabble in G-Note's gallery, peeping out his latest dance moves and making my own funky grooves. To reiterate: pooping is more fun when you're playing video games. While it is not always practical or sanitary to have a television in your bathroom or a toilet in your living room, a portable console is the ideal solution. Just remember to wash your hands, you filthy animals.