Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

You’re Next 3: Pajama Party Massacre

A short film by NFTS Productions

Review by Kenneth Holm
Dorkgasm Senior Staff Writer

            Let me start out by saying that I really wanted to like this film. I really did. The two actresses who star in the picture, Elske McCain and Scarlet Salem, are very nice in person and not too bad on the eyes, either. I thought a pajama party killer movie could be interesting. Memories of Slumber Party Massacre were floating through my head as I entered the screening room. After a short introduction by Ms. McCain and Ms. Salem, the movie began. As the credits went down, so did my hope of a good movie.

            The short begins simply enough. We start in a workshop of some sort. There are tools and other miscellaneous items strewn about. Suddenly, a man enters the workshop. We cannot see his face for the moment. He begins sifting around on the workbench before moving to what looks like a saw blade suspended in the air. He lovingly caresses the blade before taking it down off the wall. Oh, that’s interesting! It’s two saw blades attached to a big stick! Well, okay, I guess. He turns around, and we glimpse his grimly deformed visage in the mirror that just happens to be in the workshop. He looks grotesquely fucked up in the facial region. He pauses, apparently admiring his reflection, then leaves the room. Now, it’s at this moment that I spotted my first item of interest. Many of the tools in the workshop came from their local Menards, as the Tool Shop brand is quite visually distinctive. I am not saying that this means anything at all; I was just bored and noticed it.

            In the next scene we’re treated to, the character played by Elske McCain is eating an ice cream cone very provocatively. Yes, all you closet perverts; this is on screen for quite a while. Scarlet Salem’s character comes into the room and begins to harass Elske’s character. Now, before you ask, I’m sure these characters had names. Unfortunately, my brain was so overcome by mediocrity at this point that I cannot seem to recall them. Let’s call Elske “Red” and Scarlet “Blondie”, okay. So anyway, “Blondie” begins to call “Red” a slut and stating that she sucked off a whole football team. This verbal back and forth continues for about five long, aggravating minutes. “Blondie” then asks “Red” if she heard the story about Recently Murdered Girl #1. “Blondie” proceeds to recap what must be the storyline for You’re Next #1, then “Red” asks “Blondie” if she heard the story about Recently Murdered Girl #2. Of course, “Blondie” has no clue, so “Red” gives us the threadbare plot of You’re Next #2. After all this freaky story telling, “Red” begins to feel a bit dirty and decides to go into the bathroom for a quick bath and a snort or two of coke taken off the toilet seat. It’s at this point that the salivating masses are treated to the movie’s two unbilled stars, Elske McCain’s rather large breasts.

            You know, I don’t think I really have to go any further with the plot. We all know what is going to happen. The killer will get into the house and murder the hell out of the two chicks. During this part, though, it does get a little interesting, perhaps even funny. After the killer does away with “Red”, he chases down “Blondie”, only to find she is not such a pushover. After what Elske McCain says was a real kick to the balls, “Blondie” seems to get the upper hand, at least for a short time. Of course, as we all know, all the fighting in the world won’t stop this killer, and he turns the tide. He makes quick work of “Blondie” by using his saw blade stick and cutting her in half, like a magician! He takes the stick to her head and gets a new bowling ball. Suddenly, “Red” stands in the doorway! She is still very naked, so she and her boobs are very much into stopping this killer. There’s a funny moment where she gets knocked around with the severed head of “Blondie”, but “Red” gets hers by strangulation.

            The film ends with the killer telling “Red” that he’s going to kill her, then fuck her. Now, that’s a high class Hallmark ending for the whole family. Overall, I do not think that I could, in good conscience, recommend this to anyone. Not For The Squeamish Productions, out of Minnesota, has made other movies, and I would have to hope that they would be better than this. This movie was supposedly shot in two days, and it shows badly. It was shot on what appears to be a camcorder, and was filmed as if the words “production values” never existed. The one great thing about this movie was the running commentary that Scarlet Salem and Elske McCain were providing from the front row during the movie. They were genuinely funny, and I do hope they go on to better things. They might be able to act, but this movie was the wrong vehicle to prove that. They do show promise, though. It’s just unfortunate that the script (if there even was one) was so god-awful that nothing of merit could come from it.

            Just stay away from this. Please. Somehow this has gotten positive reviews from other sites. I would like to have a pass of whatever they were smoking. It might make the movie better. Who knows?