Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            Arriving super early before the start of the festival, I was waiting around for the Uwe Boll press junket to begin. Wayne was rushing around, setting up volunteers, so I could not get too much of a chance to talk to him. I ran into Bill Zenobia, who told me the press meeting was changed until later in the afternoon. I sighed, and settled in for some more Super Mario World on my DS. After a couple of levels, I turned the game world off and began to settle in for the long haul. Suddenly, I heard a bit of a buzz. It seemed that Uwe Boll had arrived, and the filming crew from ICFLM was interviewing him. I spoke to Wayne and he assured me that I would get my chance with Dr. Boll soon. The crew had explicit instructions to let him know when they were done, and then he would fetch me. I agreed, and headed to the Derleth Room once more to catch the premiere of Postal, which I would urge everyone who reads this article to see come February. It will truly blow the hinges off comedy as you know it. Yes, I am serious, and no, I am not drunk. About halfway through the movie, I wandered out for a quick chat with Wayne. It seemed that the crew had not told Wayne they were finished, and he was being interviewed by another outlet. Blast it, another missed opportunity. I returned to the theater to catch the rest of Postal. Around ten minutes later, I noticed Boll sneak in and watch as everyone laughed hysterically at his movie with a huge smile on his face. That, in turn, made me smile. It must be nice to finally feel appreciated. After the movie was finished, he did a little Q&A, which will be posted later, and showed the trailer for his next movie, In the Name Of The King, which is his take on the Dungeon Siege series of video games. Nothing for nothing here, but that movie looks pretty badass. It opens in January, and I urge everyone and their mother to check it out. What other movie can bring Jason Statham, John Rhys-Davies, and Burt Reynolds together with Ray Liotta? None, I tell you.

            After a short break and meeting up with Anna and Nathan, it was time for Seed, Uwe Boll’s next entry into horror. I am not going to spoil it until the review, but people walked out. After it was done, no one applauded, including myself. It was not a bad movie at all, but I was completely dumbstruck. Just shocked. He did some more Q&A about Seed, and it was yet another break time. After confirming what I just saw with Nathan, I hit the bathroom and returned for Uwe’s class about Film Financing and Distribution. This was interesting, and he let some nice nuggets of wisdom fly during this one. I didn’t get it on tape, but I did take notes. Finally, after keeping the Psycho Ward crowd waiting for ten minutes, we adjourned for something else. I grabbed a quick drink of Dew and chatted with some of the vendors a bit. Once again, I hit up Zoë and Anna for some downtime chatting, then it was on to You’re Next 3: Pajama Party Massacre.

            You know, the movie itself was not that good, but the running commentary that Scarlet Salem and Elske McCain contributed from the front row was amusing. In fact, Lloyd Kaufman showed up for this one and stumbled over my bag. I will never wash it again. After the movie was over, Scarlet and Elske thanked everyone for coming to watch them in various states of undress and I took off for the next event. Continuing the norm I had already established, I sat with Joel, Fester, and Justin. Nathan and Anna wandered in and sat near us, as well. They were starting to like us Dorks; I swear it.

            During the film awards, I had to try to keep from nodding off. Not because they were boring, but because I was dead tired. A varying parade of people came up to get their certificates for being of service to It Came from Lake Michigan. Mark Borchardt came up, taking pictures the whole way. Senator Ted Kanavas came up to accept his award for continuing to work for Wisconsin filmmaking perks. It was during this time that I had to keep from laughing, because Anna was laughing at the sound of his last name. Come on, say it quickly, and you will get the idea. George Tzourgros and Scott Robbe from Film Wisconsin came up too. I kept waiting, but no mention of Dorkgasm. I left the awards feeling crushed and betrayed. Well, not totally, but you get the idea.

            After a brief respite from activity which was spent by sitting down at Anna’s table and chatting some more, I hit the premiere of Backwoods Bloodbath. On the way there, though, something extraordinary happened. Uwe Boll was leaving, and a group of us was chilling by the exit doors. He walked up, ignoring everyone else, and shook my hand. He said he was going to be heading out. He thanked me for the questions and told me to stay in touch. Yeah, that was pretty fucking cool. Anyways, back to the movies. Before the film actually started, Wayne Clingman took center stage and made some thanks for people contributing to the greater good. He called the crew from Dorkgasm to stand up and receive their due thanks. We actually got some cheers from people, proving not only did we get around, but also some folks actually liked us. Backwoods Bloodbath, which was based on The Black Hodag legend, was a totally fun experience because the crowd was packed with cast and crew. It was a pretty funny movie at times, and the effects were pretty sweet. In typical jaded Dork fashion, Joel, Fester, and I sat in the back row, riffing of the flick the whole time. From the beginning, I called it a “drunken party movie”, and about halfway through, Joel told me I was right. We continued riffing until the very end, and when the lights came on, we watched the parade leave the room. Around this time, a gentleman came up to us and said that he had heard the riffs we were tossing out. This man was the director of the film. I felt a little awkward, but he said he thought we were funny, and I totally hit the nail with the party movie reference. The guy that did the effects was also sitting nearby, and came over to chat. Earlier in Day One, we had told him we would be brutally honest with him about the movie, and when he heard our reactions to some of the effects, he knew he had legitimately impressed us. He proclaimed his thanks, and we were off.

            Shortly after this, Anna, Nathan, and Zoë left for their hotel. I would not be seeing them anymore after this. I shook hands with Nathan and Anna and got a hug from Zoë, and they left. I was surprised by the sadness I felt by watching them go. I guess I felt closer to them than I realized. I knew I would talk to them again soon, though, and I felt better. I started to watch Secrets of the Clown, but due to an at-home problem, had to dash away. I hope Badman Productions will forgive me for that. I was really looking forward to seeing their movie.

            All in all, I had a great two days here. Next year, I hope to be able to hit all the events and midnight movies for all three days. We will see, however. It was truly a wonderful experience for all involved, and I wish you all could have been there. Maybe next year, you should not sleep on it and just buy some tickets when we tell you to. Oh, in case anyone is wondering, I’ve already been in touch with Zoë, Anna, and Nathan. I guess all’s well that ends well.