Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            The dictionary defines the word bile as "a bitter, alkaline, yellow or greenish liquid, secreted by the liver, which aids in absorption and digestion, especially of fats." Well, the Anonymous Jones dictionary has a little bit of an expanded definition. You see, you cannot talk about bile without mentioning that bane of all prime-time media: entertainment television.

            Today, as a country, we are way too obsessed with the goings on in Hollywood. I can switch on my television at any time of the day and not only know what latest exploit Britney Spears put the paparazzi through, but what she was wearing at the time. The latest escapade by morning show comedian and famous lesbian Ellen DeGeneres shows that the proof is most definitely in the pudding. Yeah, Ellen, we get that you got yourself embroiled in a shitty situation. Are you right? No fucking way. Is the other chick right? Again, not a chance in hell. However, since you're famous and you have been slightly aggravated, you can be guaranteed prime-time coverage from the talking head of darkness, A.J. Hammer. In fact, let's talk about him for a second.

            See, unlike most Americans, I enjoy watching the news. I want to know what the hell is going on in the world. The second that our esteemed Pars'dent George Dumbya Bush decides to nuke the globe, I want to get the Jones family into the fallout shelter I started constructing during the Reagan administration. I want to see what stocks did well. I like to fall asleep to the dulcet tones of CNN's Headline News announcer. Can I get a bit of a break, though? In the words of the late, great Richard Dawson, survey says... no. See, CNN has decided, for some God-unknown reason, that around bedtime, most people want to know what rehab clinic will be given the "Lohan Blessing" this week. Seriously people, wise the fuck up. I don't give a shit, and you shouldn't either. Do you want to know why? The more you watch these paeans to modern stupidity, the more the stars think they can profit from their deviant behavior. We are making Britney drink and act stupid. We, the American people. The once-proudest country in the world has been reduced to watching sniveling little bitches cavort with himbos when our news should be on.

            A.J. Hammer is the person I choose to hate because his fake, pretty boy smile interrupts my sleep pattern. More than once, Mrs. Jones has shaken me awake because I'm muttering epithets about killing Mr. Hammer in my sleep. If you look into his eyes, there's nothing there. Not even someone who wants to make me happy. Just nothing. It's like looking into a broad expanse of void and having it tell you Paris Hilton is throwing another shitty movie at us so we can choke on it. This is fucking disgusting, people. However, Mr. Hammer is just one in a long line of people who need an ass kicking.

            Perez Hilton, I'm looking at you. You, sir, are continuing to piss me off. Here's a guy who could have been something that could better America. What, I'm not sure about exactly. Instead, he sits on his fat ass with his shock of blue hair and "blogs" about the latest happenings in the star-studded nowhere we call California. Now, I want his job. I would love to get paid to comment on shit that has no meaning in the real world of wars we can't win and political dumb asses. Unfortunately, if I did that, I'd have to kill myself. I would have become the thing that I detest the most. The irony of writing this article is not lost on me; I just couldn't give two shits.

            It has been said that these people are just doing a job. "Get a life, Anonymous!” I can hear you shouting. You know who else was "doing a job"? About six years ago, there were twenty douche bag terrorists who were doing their job, and look where that ended up! If we keep watching this shit, we will not see the Big War begin. We will not see our country collapsing into a cesspool of moral decay. Wait. Scratch that last one. Just keep on watching this crap on a stick, and you'll see our brave, proud America weep because Britney has lost her children for the thirteenth time. Meanwhile, Osama bin Fuckhead will be sneaking up behind you, ready to slit your throat.

            Hey, don't say I didn't warn you. Now, I have to continue working on stocking the Jonescave. Until next time, readers. If there is a next time...