Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

            Maybe you were at a friend’s house when you first saw it, or perhaps you bought one for a long road trip when your DS or PSP was on the fritz, but some of you already have one. Those that do own one probably already keep it next to the crapper where it belongs. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about hand-held Yahtzee! This little gem is damned close to perfection I tell you!

            First off, it is difficult to even say the word “Yahtzee” without the exclamation point. Try it. I’ll wait…

1. Yahtzee.
2. Yahtzee!

            Which one felt better? SEE! What’s more is that the exclamation point even looks like a turd! It’s a sure sign.

            Hand-held Yahtzee! is perfect for the toilet because the game is short and to the point, but random enough that it won’t lose your attention. If you’re only going to be a few minutes, you can usually squeeze out a loaf and a full game all at the same time. For those longer bowl sessions, you can indulge in a few games in a row. One of the few features of the game is that it tracks your high score, so you always have an ultimate goal to shoot for.

            For those that have been experiencing the joys of Yahtzee! for a while now, you have a few options once that high score gets to be ridiculous. The most obvious is simply to reset the damned thing, starting the race from zero again. If you share your home with others, however, this option will likely not go over well. Usually the person doing the reset is not the one with the latest high score and this just causes bad feelings all around. Personally, I shoot to beat my last score. On those occasions where I wasn’t the last to play, I shoot to do better than the last person, or at least 200, which ever gets me off the crapper soonest.

            Yes, the graphics are old school LCD, that is to say they should remind you of the calculator you used to cheat on your math homework back in the 5th grade. The game itself is super simple. You click to roll dice and keep the best you can out of three rolls to make something akin to poker hands. Five of a kind equals a “Yahtzee!” and there are bonus points for getting it multiple times in the same game. Bonus points are also given in the individual numeral categories if you score sixty-three points or higher, or three-of-a-kind for each number.

            The game is a cakewalk to play, no bones about it, but that makes it perfect for playing on the shitter. If you don’t have one of these, pick one up, they are cheap. If you do own one, leave it at home in the bathroom where it belongs. There’s nothing more disconcerting that dropping a loaf in a public restroom and hearing someone shout “YAHTZEE”!