AnonymousJones's blog

Oscar Outrage!!: The Aftermath

AnonymousJones — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 11:27:12 +0000

Please Note: This is only the opinion of a lone nut living in the Wisconsin wilds. They in no way reflect the thinking of the Dorkgasm staff, editors, contributors, sponsors, or anyone else, humanity-wide. I am my own person, and as such am a big boy. I tell it how I see it, and I would expect your wussies to do the same. Beware the strong, fucking language So, here we go. Another Oscar night in the can, and nothing to show for it. Oh, sure. Heath Ledger got a posthumous Oscar for playing a comic book villian, but anyone who thinks the performance had anything to do with it is either sadly mistaken or stoned out of their fucking gourd. That's a good place to start. In a Best Supporting Actor race consisting of critical darlings like Phillip Seymour Hoffman and mainstream, college frat drunk favorites like Robert Downy, Jr., how on Earth do you expect Heath Ledger to win? The truth is unfortunately simple. He died and sealed the vote. Now, I am just grasping at straws, but don't you think that Academy voters felt just a little bit guilty of not giving him his due props for Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain? I would think so, and let's face it, you probably do to. Heath Ledger was an exceptional actor, and I openly weep at what could have been. The sky was the limit for him, and now he's gone. That does not mean you have to give him an Oscar, you pricks! Granted, I liked his performance the best out of all of them, but I write for a Dork Culture website! Of course I like The Joker more than that dude that shot Harvey Milk! The fact is that someone else could have done The Joker and it could have been just as good, if not better. I'm not an actor, though. PSH was awesome in Doubt, and Downey was hilarious in Tropic Thunder, but I would have given it to Josh Brolin. The man is awesome in Milk. Don't believe me? Check it out. My next big problem is with Slumdog Millionaire. Did I like it? Sure. "Feel-good movie of the decade"? No, not really. Best Fucking Picture? Cheesus Crust, no!!!! Why did this win? I have a theory, and it runs much the same as the last entry. It got a sympathy vote. Remember months ago when they had those terrorist attacks in India? All I heard was "Attack in Mumbai which was the setting for Slumdog Millionaire. It was shot there, too." Now, it wins Best Picture in a year that had Milk and The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button? Is everyone in the Academy high? FIrst of all, the fact that The Dark Knight didn't even get nominated for Best Pic still pisses me off, but I chock that up to Academy voters not being comfortable with a Batman who sounded like he just walked into the kitchen on To Catch A Predator. What are you doing here, indeed. Shit, Frost/Nixon was one of the most amazing and riveting movies I have seen in a long time. It even made me forget that Ron Howard directed The DaVinci Code, and that's tough going. No, everything else that was better got edged out for a sympathy vote. Bah. Also, no kudos for giving Danny Boyle the Oscar for this and not Sunshine or Trainspotting. Hell even Millions was better than this, and they were almost the same movie! I think the Academy, in all of their intelligence, voted for Boyle because they know deep in their hearts that this may be the last time they see him. Come on, Danny. You got your Oscar. Now give me Trainspotting 2 or 28 Months Later. Please. You owe me for sitting through this. One last note. Penelope Cruz for Vicky Christina Barcelona? Are? You? HIGH?!?!? Come on!! Viola Davis, Amy Adams, Marisa Tomei, and the real winner in my eyes Taraji P. Henson. And you give it to HER? Damn, I need to be in a subpar movie from an actor/director who should have hung up his jodhpurs long ago. Maybe I can get an Oscar I don't deserve! Give her an Oscar for the good work she did. What about Volver? Where were you on that one, Academy? That movie was fresh, funny, and touching, all in one. VCB was lame before it even got out of the gate. Why the horse racing lingo this time? Who knows? Let's keep hoofing it. Woody Allen hasn't made a good movie since Melinda and Melinda, and before that was Celebrity. Past your damn prime! And quit parading Scarlett Johansson around your movies like she can act. You know damn well she can't. You like her tits. Hell, I like her tits too, but I'm not putting her in a movie. You shouldn't either. Well, that's about it for me. I fully expect gobs of hate mail for this one, so please do so to anonymous.jones@dorkgasm.com or leave vitriol below in the Comments. I will read and comment on them as time permits. Thank you, and have a cheerful motherfucking day.

Yes!!!!!!! More Dragon Ball Nonsense!!!

AnonymousJones — Fri, 23 May 2008 17:24:39 +0000

So, I brought you a picture of Justin Chatwin a little while ago in the guise of Goku from the Dragon Ball Z movie. It would seem that a lot of people thought it looked kinda... you know... Fucking stupid. Well, I have more cast pics available now, and I think we will all be able to agree that this does not inspire any confidence whatsoever. So, without any further ado, I bring to you... Joon Park as "Yamcha" Emmy Rossum as "Bulma" Jamie Chung as "ChiChi" Chow Yun-Fat as "Master Roshi" Justin Chatwin as "Goku" and Justin Chatwin, still looking stupid as "Goku" There you have the newest pics released legally of the cast as their counterparts in the DBZ world. This makes me more than doubtful, it kind of infuriates me justa tad. This is one of those properties dorks have been wetting themselves in anticipation over, and it looks like the producers and director are going to absurd lengths to piss people off. Now, maybe I'm just being somewhat of an old crank, but this looks NOTHING LIKE THE MANGA OR ANIME SERIES!!!!! I am sick and tired of people taking established properties and pissing all over them (Transformers, **cough cough**). Oh, well. I th long run, it really doesn't mean a fart in the wind what I think about it. I am only one man. However, if everyone pulls together, maybe we can send a message to Hollywood by not seeing this movie. Sure, and while I'm dreaming, I'd also like a pony... I will leave you with the lamest one of all for your enjoyment...

Harvey, Harvey... You're All Dirty... (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!)

AnonymousJones — Sun, 18 May 2008 01:03:51 +0000

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

So, now that everyone has had a chance to read a most interesting article about The Dark Knight, it is worth mentioning this little tidbit. Now, I found this a little bit ago while browsing on the Interwebs, and it has disappeared from a lot of places. Aaaaannddd... it ties in with Cheryl's mention of the new trailer. Now, you may recall that there may have been some mention of seeing a fleeting glance of Harvey Dent's face as Two-Face, right? Well, if you missed it, here it is in all its glory: Now, you can clearly see a little bit of scar tissue on the fleeting edges of Dent's face. This is where things get weird, though. See, if the same trailer, it looks as if the left side of Dent's face is being held into some sort of flammable liquid. In the comics, it was acid that gave the ole' TF his pretty, pretty visage. Now, I am not, repeat am not complaining about this little qualm. Fact of the matter is that Two-Face is my favorite Gotham villain. I love everything about him. I even make a lot of decisions using a coin. Yep, I'm that pathetic. When Batman Forever, directed by Joel "Too Fabulous" Schumacher, came out, I was on Cloud Nine. Well, I was until I saw it. I love me some Tommy Lee Jones, but what a hack job! So, this time, I am getting delirious with glee. Then, I found this: Now, I do not know if this is real. The good folks over at Comic Book Resources managed to dig this one up, and I ganked it quickly. Might it be possible that this is the softer and more flammable side of Harvey Dent? Sooooo.... what have we learned? 1) Two-Face is showing up in The Dark Knight. Fact. 2) The newest trailer kicks unholy amounts of ass. Fact. 3) Since it looks like Harvey Dent may catch on fire, the above pic could be true. The scarring seems to match, and the clothing does too. This could end up being my favorite incarnation of Two-Face ever. Maybe. 4) ~~Anonymous Jones is a douche. Fact.~~ This movie is going to be the new standard of comic movies. I have a gutrot feeling... Absolute Fact. Drop me a line at anonymous.jones@dorkgasm.com and let me know what you think!!! Until next time, I'm heading back to the bunker. Keep your eyes peeled for more DBZ nonsense soon.

2007: The Jones Way

AnonymousJones — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 21:44:28 +0000

Wow, another year over. In my own humble and psychotic opinion, there has never been a year that has kicked me in the balls so much as 2007 did.

Just read Mike's little post, and I gotta say I'm quite beefed thinking about the fun that 2008 is going to bring all of us here at Dorkgasm. Granted, yours truly is still kind of on the outside looking in, but I aim to change all of that shit with 2008.

What can you expect from your favorite wilderness refugee? Well, for one thing, I'll be giving you a couple of new things on a more regular basis, including my personal pick for the worst DVD release of the month. This will be a movie of such horrendous quality with such abysmal features that the mere purchase will open a direct portal to Hell and allow demons to escort your eternal soul loose this mortal coil.

Also, I'll be contributing more to the "Classics" vault as we progress, starting with a review... oops! Almost gave it away! Rest easy, though. It's such a fuckoff great movie that it will blow your fucking minds. Swear to your God!

So, keep a weather eye on the horizon for the mast of the U.S.S. Anonymous Jones, which will be bringing goodies for the kids, meaty treats for the Dorks, and some good lovin' for your wives and girlfriends...

Get a hold of me at anonymousjownz@gmail.com

Pissin' Me Off With A First Look At Goku In DBZ Movie!

AnonymousJones — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:03:58 +0000

Okay, film fans. This one is going to piss you off to extremes you haven't felt since they announced there was going to be a Dragon Ball Z movie in the first place. It seems that James Wong is out to bludgeon us with a frozen shit-sicle and hope we remain to stupified to notice that his movie sucks more than Dice Rules. Ready for some major suckage? Here ya go! Yeah, doesn't it make you want to punch him? Making a DBZ movie could be excused if their Goku is badass, and it looks like even the youngest Jones kid (only a year old) could put some whoop-ass onto him. This is the guy that the Saiyan world sent to destroy us? Fuck, man. My mom could do a better job than this twat. He looks like a fucking pussy, and I seriously hope the car he's in front of fucking hits him out of his damn shoes. The rest of the movie doesn't bode well, wither. James "Spike" Marsters is playing Piccolo. If memory serves correctly, Piccolo was buff and ready to rip people apart. Marsters is a scrawny cuntbag, and unless he can pull off some major training, he'll fuck it all up. Jamie Chung as "Chi-Chi", I can't really complain. She looks okay. Supposedly, Emmy Rossum from The Phantom Of The Opera and The Day After Tomorrow is going to be playing Bulma, which I can't really bitch about too much, I guess. They haven't cast Vegeta yet, that I know of, so they still have a saving grace. Dammit, Wong, don't fuck this one up!!!