jsaystoyou's blog

The State of this Dork adress...

jsaystoyou — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 00:42:05 +0000

Hey everybody, it's your old pal Haggard Ass J. I know some of you have been wondering (Ken and Mike, but hopefully more, fuck, a dork can dream can't he??) what good ol' HAJ has been up to, well here's the fat and skinny...
Haggard Ass J has been moving, a lot. I've moved in between 2 cities 3 times, and now that I've settled in at a place I would lovingly consider my home I'm ready to get back to business. Work outside of Dorkgasm.com (this is not a tribute, this is, the greatest site in the wuh ha hurled) has grounded itself, and now here I am. I know I've written about having things on deck that never came through, and written about things I never promised you, but this is a new era. Haggard Ass J is back, and ready to deliver all of the hate (or less frequently love) filled reviews of all the things you may or my not (solely based on your masochistic tendencies) wish to consume. On deck, and I promise you, and these will be written, are reviews in various departments, of "In Bruges", "Role Models", (In case you missed it) Dragon Age: Origins (Video Games) Prototype Vs. Infamous (video games/media vs media, I know it's not following protocol but do I ever???) and a special surprise Villain of the Week (or month, or quarter, or however the fuck we do this anymore...)

So, if you're ready for more of my acid tongued nonsense, straight dope reviews, and/or random musings they're coming. If you just want to read more semi-subliminal in parenthesis bullshit, it will be here. Trust me dorks, Haggard Ass J is here to stay, and will continue to provide you with whatever it is that keeps you coming back, as long as he doesn't have to run from the police, participate in jury duty, fight the Stay Puft Marshmallow man, or save New York/LA/Chicago from utter demise.

Until that day,

Vini,
Vidi
Vaginas

Love,

"Haggard Ass" J. Sternberg

Krod Mandoon and The Flaming Sword of Fire | Television Review

jsaystoyou — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 07:44:31 +0000

More like "Krod Mandoon and the Flaccid Phallus of Phucktard"
By
J. Sternberg

Staff Writer

FUCKING CHRIST THAT WAS AWFUL!!!!

          Ahem... Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to bidness... Never in my life have I witnessed an epic fail like Krod Macfuckity fucknugget and fucknuggetry of idiot land. Its a shame really, with World of Warcraft having over 11 million players, the relatively recent success of all manners of fantasy film, and general dork acceptance at an all time high, the time was perfect for the lampooning of all things epic. Obviously someone somewhere missed the memo, Dorks hate Soul Plane, Meet The Spartans and Awful Movie (parts 1-436) and the tards that do enjoy this type of lobotomizing limp dick idiocy (they do exist right?) will be so bored by any attempt at real satire, the setting and the fact that the hot chick ain't all that hot, that they won't stick around long enough for the gay jokes, or the fart jokes.

          In what can only be considered a clusterfuck of epic proportions, someone let not one, but two hacks from Meet The Spartans out of their cages to create the definition of a festering turd. Everything about this show reeks of awfulness. The cast is terrible. The humor is stuck in the fourth grade (kids mature faster these days...). The actual show looks like they hired a camera guy from Chuck E. Cheese to film it. Somehow, it even sounds bad! FUCK! How hard could that be with a budget ?
Before anyone jumps to the shows defense claiming that I just hate lowbrow humor, I'd challenge them to watch the show first. I have no problem with the style of Reno 911, South Park, or most of the Adult Swim lineup, and I love a good spoof, which is exactly why I hate shit like this. Documentaries on human injustice are supposed to make you hate the dickheads on screen, not sitcoms!

          In the end there is no redeeming value whatsoever to this program, and I can't recommend it for anything other than a drinking game that involves taking a shot every time a joke doesn't make you laugh. Yep, alcohol poisoning sounds like a lot of fun compared to this crap.

I give Krod Mandoon and The obnoxiously long title 1 giant "Fuck You In the Neck!" (out of 5)

Dead Like Me: Life after Death | DVD Review

jsaystoyou — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 22:46:24 +0000

Shoulda been cremated and launched into space, instead of that cat...
By
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

Showtime has an incredible knack for offing their original series regardless of the fan base. All too often, this also occurs with a season finale ending in a cliffhanger (or several) becoming a series' finale and leaving a load of unanswered questions. Dead Like Me (2003-2005) had two stellar seasons and ended with a barn burner. Seeing that the series would make a comeback in the form of a feature length DVD movie, I chomped at the bit to see what was up with my favorite characters and exactly how those annoying little loose ends were going to get tied up. I had high hopes, for if nothing else, I'd get one more chance to go reaping with George, Mason, Rube, Roxy and Daisy. What I got, was nothing of the sort.

Fans of the series, just please, look elsewhere, these are not the droids you're looking for. Nothing about Dead Like Me: Life after Death feels even remotely like the series, there's no continuity to speak of, Rube is nowhere to be found, the actress playing Daisy has been replaced, and instead of all the dry humor and characters you remember, it seems like they've replaced the actual characters, with hedonistic, self serving morons, with absolutely no conscious to speak of. The word of the day kids, is pathetic.

Instead of getting even the most brief of summaries as to what happened following the series early end, they simply state that its been 5 years since George died (the show's debut). In the special features there is a lot of talk about this being a film, so its different from the series, but to that I say "bullshit," its nothing more than a double episode cash in.

Click image to visit the site

I won't go into the plot because it feels like the thing was written in between cocktails, and trading back Playstation controllers. To those wondering if this is just my inner fanboy coming out and being pissed, I can only respond with this; if this was a standalone film, and had nothing to do with a rich back-storied television series, it would have failed even more miserably. The characters don't develop, the plot doesn't really move so much as stagger around drunkenly in between the credits, and the editing screams "Showtime Original Series."

Normally I'd name names and give credit where credit is due, but I'm refusing on principal. In short, this film was nothing short of a cash in, and felt wholly disconnected from the previous work, and is definitely not worth its namesake or the 15 dollars you'll spend on it.

I give Dead Like Me 1 "space toilet to the head" out of 5.

Hot Rod | In Case You Missed it...

jsaystoyou — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 22:27:37 +0000

Grilled Cheese Vs. A Taco
By
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

I didn't really know what to expect when I began to watch 2007's Hot Rod, starring Andy Samberg and the always adorable Isla Fisher. A comedy about an amateur stuntman, his crew, starring a someone from SNL and produced by Will Ferrell really had all the potential in the world to hit a wall and go up in smoke. Within five minutes from the opening credit, I knew what to expect.

Hot Rod is the story of Ron Kimble, an adult child, who lives at home with his mother, (played well by Sissi Spacek) his brother (Jorma Taccone), and his step father (Ian McShane). There are only two things Rod wants in this life, to become a famous stuntman, and the second, to kick his stepfather's ass in combat, and thus win his respect. While he has achieved some level of local infamy as a local fuckup who wants to be a stuntman, he has a much more difficult time besting Frank in their no holds barred fisticuffs, but perseveres nonetheless. Much like any sports movie, things predictably go awry, (Frank needs a heart transplant) and they conveniently need to raise a set dollar amount to keep Rod's dream of pwing his step-dad alive.

Click image to visit the site

Ya remember earlier when I said I knew what to expect within the first five minutes, but left you hanging on to find out more? Yep, you took the bait, so here goes, I expected to laugh my ass off. The movie begins with such a breakneck speed in joke delivery and solid physical humor, you can't help but get hooked. Rod and his bumblefuck idiot crew are such great walking examples of Murphy's law that you practically wait on the edge of your seat to see where and what they'll screw up next. Samberg channels a funny Napolean Dynamite -type loser, (not funnier, in order to be funnier than something it must have a degree of humor in it to begin with, and that movie sucked, worse than anything in the history of suckage, the truth hurts) a screw up who doesn't have a heart of gold, just some simple things he wants and hard time getting there. All the while he is backed solidly by his hilariously awkward stunt crew ( Rico the ramp guy, played by Danny McBride, and Dave the mechanic, played by Bill Hader).

The pace established early is not indicative of the entire film however, as the punchlines and physical gags begin to spread out further as the film goes on. I don't consider this a negative though, because we all know what happens to movies that try to cram too many "jokes" into a confined space. Oh you don't know what happens? They suffocate and die and the movies suffer for it, see any of the "Movie" (Epic, Scary, et al) series if you need a reference, but just take my word for it okay? I don't need any more innocent blood on my hands... Regardless, Hot Rod manages to blend its hilarious physical comedy spots in well, and never relies on one note to carry the tune, and I can really appreciate that. All in all, Hot Rod was surprisingly entertaining, even stretching its own boundaries with odd-ball sight gags and self depreciating cheese thrown in just for fun, and if you're bored, you really won't be disappointed.

I give Hot Rod 3 "Kicks to destiny's face" out of 5

Watchmen: The End is Nigh | Video Game Review

jsaystoyou — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 05:47:28 +0000

Not Nigh Enough...
By
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

Regardless of the graphic novel/film being set in the 1980's and the game being set in the 1970's, the one thing that will hit you in the face with a lead pipe from go, is that Watchmen: The End is Nigh (available now for The Playstation Network and on Xbox Live) is definitely not up to modern standards. I could have easily been sold on some mumbo jumbo that this is all some sort of tongue in cheek post modern homage to the great 1980's coin op beat em ups that dominated the era, if the game even came close to mimicking anything that made those games great. Sure its got co-op, (only 2 players) and lots of baddies to punch in the neck, or face, or balls or whatever you feel like punching, but they only come in 3 types, medium, large, and not quite huge (different skins are all that separate the convicts, mercenaries, police etc) and multiple levels and locations (that redefine linear).

Deciding between the two protagonists comes down to basically choosing your preferred method of vertical movement, and combat. Rorschach shimmies up conveniently placed drain pipes, and beats the piss out of his adversaries with the psychotic finesse of a pro wrestler, while Night Owl uses a grappling hook, and some martial arts styled strikes combined with a little gadgetry to neutralize his opposition. Even in playing solo, your buddy is always around to help you turn valves, open doors, pull switches and wait there doing nothing while you find a way to turn a valve or open a door (usually by pulling a switch). Sadly enough the consistency of all of these actions is pretty solid. I know that last sentence doesn't sound all that bad, but when you look back up there you'll notice (other than the obvious redundancy of the actions) I never mentioned "aid you in combat" or "punch fools in the skull". I did however mention standing around doing nothing, and that's the majority of what you'll see them doing. Its actually laugh out loud funny to here your AI partner (or douchebag, as seems more fitting) call out for help while you're getting your skull kicked in and he watches from the sidelines.

Needless to say the game fairs much better in co-op, but when its this kind of a bedraggled mess its pretty hard to care. Rest assured if you just give it one run through with a buddy, you won't hate yourself, and you may be mildly entertained for the 3 (give or take) hours it takes to complete. The story is mildly interesting, and some of the finishing moves have a visceral satisfaction and are fun to see the first few times, but they become so recycled by the second hour of the game you just stop caring.

In the end that's what kills The End is Nigh, far too much repetition to justify its price tag. If you had any sense at all, when the world cries out for you to spend twenty bucks on this game, you should whisper "no"

I give Watchmen: The End is Nigh 1 "you wait here and I'll see if I can open the door" out of 5

Acute Clownus Carrus Uterosis | Villain of the Week

jsaystoyou — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 15:21:36 +0000

Those who profit from Acute Clownus Carrus Uterosis and the dickhead's that encourage them...
By
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

Ah yes, Clownus Carrus Uterosis, or treating your uterus and vagina like a clown car, is certainly a problem in this country. One that has come to the forefront and headlines with aplomb as of late, due largely in part due to the Octomom. Sure that name makes her sound like Otto Octavius' matriarch from Spider-Man, thus throwing her instantly into the pool of villainy, but she is only part of the part of the problem, and ultimately condemnable for her own actions, she is not the root of the problem.

You can't walk past a newsstand in this country without seeing her face, or flip through TV guide without seeing more and more of this abuse of the human reproductive system. Jon and Kate plus Eight, 17 Kids and Counting, and the upcoming Table for Twelve are all guilty of this villainy and in my humble opinion (or IMHO, for those of you who speak internet) it needs to be stopped. I have a few major reasons as to why I believe this, and I'd like to share them with y'all if you've got a minute. I don't expect much backlash from the targets of this rant, because they're probably too busy, giving birth, or counting stacks of cash to care what a semi normal human being thinks.

The first reason is just this simple, the human body was not meant to take abuse like that. Seriously, I know the vaginal walls are quite elastic in nature, but fucking Christ people! There's going off roading, and then theirs treating your car tires like tank treads. I'm not going to take a moral high ground here, but on the record, I just think that shit is just plain gross. If a woman's vaginal region and reproductive areas have been through enough to take a blast from a rocket propelled grenade and not feel a thing, you have to wonder if they've taken it a little far. The same applies in the case of C-sections, if your tummy is starting to look like a road map of pain made out of over cooked bacon, and you can grate cheese on the scar tissue. Let's also not forget that while these people are fucking with the will of whatever god they claim to worship, they're also ignoring the millions of children that are waiting to be adopted. If y'all got "all this love to give" what makes you so certain that you couldn't love a child that wasn't biologically yours. Shit with all the chems and genes you guys throw around you could probably get the damn kid morphed into one of your mutant offspring in no time.

Secondly and more importantly, this kind of crap should be against child labor laws. These kids are making their parents' fat stacks of cash and being allowed next to no privacy. On top of that, have you seen the parents from these shows? I wouldn't let them watch my gold fish. Whether they're cult level religious fascists raising their own little republic of brainwashed mutants, or just bitter and shitty people (Kate, I'm lookin at you!) they seem to either be thoroughly disconnected from reality, and completely devoid of any love whatsoever for their children. Seeing how much you can cram into a uterus and how much will pop out is not something people should profit from, nor is just being a kid with shitty or camera friendly parents.

Other than just being useless, this is a slap in the face of every hardworking citizen and or parent out there. Personally, I've only got one child, but if everyone was proportionally provided what these groups of nitwits were given I'd at least have a grip of cash, and all sorts of free crap my kid needed growing up that I actually worked for to provide for her. How much of the actual earning will these kids see? Furthermore, if these kids have to go to college when they grow up and actually earn their keep like normal people, how much resentment do you think there's going to be in this little populace? How is the home schooled daughter of the cult family on 17 Kids and Counting going to cope with her first period? Normally I would assume you'd talk to your mom, but seeing as every menstrual cycle this woman has had since the day she got married has resulted in a pregnancy I would venture to guess she might not really remember what that's like.

Then last but not least we have the social ramifications, and what these shows say about society, which brings me to the Octomom. Her motivations weren't exactly hard to see after all of these shenanigans and you really can't fault someone for jumping on the bandwagon. Or can you? Did she research this bandwagon? Did she just think she could eek in before the bubble burst on the multiple birth dog and pony show, or was she just looking to make a buck? It doesn't matter, because the octomom single-vaginally exposed quite a bit of ugly truth about America, and the situation just turns my stomach. First off, The Octomom didn't hop on a gravy train with biscuit wheels, she couldn't afford the ticket, and was tossed out on her ass at the front gates. It doesn't take a hard look to see why either. She's black, unemployed, unmarried, lives with her mother, and has a ton of kids already. The only other African American making nearly as many headlines is President Obama. What does that say America? At the core, are the country and media still a little racist? I'd say so. A little stodgy and stuck on religion as a backbone to society instead of law? Sure. Do you think if someone in the same situation of a different race were to give birth to 8 kids at one time, the media would scold her from day one or that anyone would bring up the word welfare? Hardly. Is she a bad person? Fuck yeah, but that doesn't have anything to do with being black, unemployed, single, and living at home, it has to do with making a decision to use her body and her own children to make money, because other people made it look easy. What else does that say about us America? That if one damn fool can make a dollar doing something, a hundred others will try, and ladies and gentlemen taking honest and intelligent people and turning off their reason and logic is the greatest form of villainy of all.

So I'm begging you all stop the madness, if not for me, think...for once in your hatefucking miserable lives, think about the children. Kids are a big deal, but they shouldn't be big business.
|J|

The Wrestler | Film Review

jsaystoyou — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 20:54:18 +0000

Tied to The Tree of Woe
By
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

I'm usually not a fan of the character exploration drama. Let's face it, all too often these films are about someone who could be just like you, rising or falling based on their actions, or lack there of. I feel like I've worn that hat a thousand times, and yeah, its old, not too mention I see people like me who will rise or fall based on their actions every day. I guess I'm just not a people person. Knowing all of this, I still dove off the top headfirst into The Wrestler. I gave it a shot, call it a high risk move if you will, but I'll always give Mickey Rourke, Darren Aronofsky and Marisa Tomei a chance, they don't really fuck up that often. Being huge wrestling fan to boot, it seemed like this could be the film that may sway me on this particular sub-genre. It didn't, but I'd blame that on being stuck in my ways. Besides, this is a film review, not a genre study, and the movie was excellent nonetheless.

The Wrestler is the story of Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a pro wrestler who's seen better days. In his heyday, The Ram had it all, endorsements, merchandising, fame fortune, and apparently bitches out the wazoo (in the business they call 'em rats). In the present day however, The Ram isn't selling out Madison Square Garden and living the high life, he's stocking shelves at a grocery store and living in a trailer, and only wrestling on weekends at empty VFW halls and local dives. Randy knows his glory days are behind him, but he can't shake that itch, and he seems to know that wrestling is all he really knows. Along the way, we see Randy attempt various "normal people" activities, establish/reestablish "normal people" relationships, and not shockingly at all, consider the possibility of a comeback.

Click image to visit the site

I've never been one to spoil the plot for the people, and I'm not going to start now. Its really hard to explain why The Wrestler sinks its hooks in so deep and refuses to let you go. The pacing is very methodical, and serves its master well, never allowing you to get too comfortable with anything going on. That pacing is part of the film's genius, in a way it binds you to The Ram's sad story. He's never really at ease, and nor are you allowed to be, and while that discomfort is often the case from Aronofsky, this film is nothing like his previous work. A lot of film's are referred to as "emotional roller coasters" and while you do get locked in and set on your course, its not long until you see this ride only goes down, slowly. Ultimately, I'd say that its one of the most depressing films I've ever seen, but seeing as that is the intention, I can't throw that in the negative.

Rourke is incredible in his role, and Marisa Tomei backs him up solidly in her scenes as well, playing Cassidy a single mother/exotic dancer, and possibly Ram's only friend in the world. The action packed and flashy in ring sequences seem almost apologetic for the dark and cumbersome exposition, and seem to show up right when you need them. Make no mistake, these scenes don't take you higher, they just give you a break from the darkness. While they are vibrant, they also seem to ooze a new form of cinematic graphic violence. As the film goes on and you feel more connected to Randy's plight, you can almost feel his pain, physically in the ring and emotionally in the streets. On a side note, I'd like to say that for all the props Rourke got for his actual wrestling training and pulling it off in the ring (alongside actual wrestlers, most of whom are from Ring Of Honor http://www.rohwrestling.com ), I think his portrayal outside of the ring was even more convincing, and I'm very interested in seeing how Sean Penn eeked past him for the Best Actor nod this year.

In the end, The Wrestler is the story of a man who is lost and confused, and coming to terms with who he is, and what he was meant to do, the cautionary tale of what can happen if you follow your heart a little too far and leave better judgment too far behind. The Wrestler is easily one of the most engrossing films of the year, and I can't recommend it enough, if you can handle it. If you do take my words to heart, make sure you're free from distractions, and let it grab a hold of you, you won't be sorry.

I give The Wrestler 4.5 "RAM JAMS" out of 5:

Repo! The Genetic Opera | DVD Review

jsaystoyou — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:53:33 +0000

I Rob GRRAAAVVVEESSSS
by
J. Sternberg
Staff Writer

Okay kids, lets get our imagination hats on. Alright, picture the 2000's version of Moulin Rouge as a woman, you got it? Cool, Now picture Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd as a man (not the characters themselves, but put a face on the film, oh and for the hell of it, give it a hot body) got that? Great! Now picture them fucking like mad, and Moulin Rouge forgets her pill, and becomes pregnant. Oh no! What do Rouge and Todd do? Its simply really, get an abortion. They both go their merry way as this abortion has torn them apart, but that is not the end of the story. No! The fetus somehow survived and was raised by Robocop (the original X rated cut). That half aborted bastard, would be 2008's Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Now I understand that description may be a little vulgar, and extremely over the top, but if you see the film you'll understand why. I went there, because they went there first. The plot of the film is to my knowledge standard opera fair (betrayal, greed, lust, secrets,) but gothed out and chock full of sexuality and violence, and on that level it succeeds. Everything in this beast is so ridiculously over the top that it kinda feels like a punch in the gut when its over with, and you'll most likely need time to digest the film as a whole before developing an opinion.

The basic premise is that in the future a biotech company has taken to doing enhancement surgeries for virtually anything and everything, and these surgeries while expensive can be financed. Instead of getting sent to collections, or ducking phone calls when you don't pay your bill however, the GeneCo sends out the Repo Man to take back your unpaid innards.

Now let's get to the meat and potatoes, how was Repo! The Genetic Opera? I liked it, but it had its share of ups and downs. Rotti Largo (Paul Sorvino), Shilo (Alex Vega) and Nathan/The Repo Man (Anthony Head) all played their parts well, but their overly pitch corrected voices were at times disorienting. Rotti's offspring, Luigi (Bill Moseley) Pavi, easily my favorite character in the film (Ogre), and Amber Sweet (Paris Hilton) were quite simply fun as hell to watch and impossible not to laugh at, in fact my only complaint about them was that they weren't onscreen enough. I loved the graphic novel presentation of the character back stories, but they also could have been better served acted out or animated. Some of the songs were a little hard to swallow (Shilo's "fuck you dad" Avril Lavigne styled "punk rocker" number was horrendous). My biggest complaint however was just that for an over the top production like this, a good deal of it could have been greatly improved by a few tweaks. Being a musical of sorts, the instrumentation on the soundtrack just sounds Casio keyboard bad most of the time, and its almost an unforgivable sin. The Grave Robber character while serving most of the narration purposes of the film was just too overbearing and kinderbat for my liking. Regardless of its flaws, Repo! was a lot of fun, and in the end, that is really all that matters.
I can't recommend it to people that aren't into musicals, but if you dig a rawboned combination of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and a slasher flick, you'll probably be quite pleased.

I give Repo! The Genetic Opera 3 "I rob GRRAAAVVVEESSSS" out of 5.

And for the record, this down below is still the best movie with Repo in the title.

And also, see Ken's second opinion, if you don't like to watch movies to get the story, he'll spell the whole thing out for ya real nice like, every shot, plot twist, everything. God Ken takes the fun out of stuff....

Dear Michael Bay

jsaystoyou — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:23:07 +0000

Dear Mr. Bay

I would like to ask you to please handle your mining of my childhood with a little more tact in the future. The 1980's were good times for me, and I'd really prefer if you handle the Transformers, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th, with a little more finesse than your average carjacker.
It's really not too complicated, and I'm not asking much, I'd just prefer not see Jason Vorhees jumping over an exploding computer generated shark on a motorcycle, or Freddy Krueger chugging Mountain Dew and shuffling his Ipod while back flipping a Lamborghini over a Best Buy that's burning to the ground from a bunch of Xbox 360's overheating and causing a raging inferno inside.
Its not a list of demands, but a cordial request that you should take to heart. Please? These characters are legends, and have earned a legitimate place in the hearts of myself and so many more that have come of age during the past 20 some odd years. If you do however feel the need to pull a Lucas/Spielberg Eiffel tower style rape of any more 80's icons, they're may be consequences. I have it on good authority that Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy are so broke and desperate they would gladly do anything for a nickel, and I'm not above paying a man or two to wear a ridiculous fat suit and lady's clothing to drop by your house and shoot you in the dickpiece.

Respectfully yours

J. Sternberg

Dorkgasm Contributing Writer.

PS: If you remake the Goonies and have Chunk on Adkins, or turn One-Eyed Willy into a snarky robot with Diabetes, I'll personally mail you my next bowel movement.

(please note the opinions above are the opinions of Jay Sternberg and are not intended in any way shape or form to represent the opinions of Dorkgasm LLC, its staff, or management......but they should)

My Bloody Valentine 3-D | Film Review

jsaystoyou — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 15:20:17 +0000

I'm just going to go ahead and throw it out there, I'd already heard a lot of negative things about this movie before I even bought my ticket, and I dismissed them, thinking I knew better than those who had warned me. Before I got to the theater I heard that it was garbage, it was awful, worst movie ever, blah blah blah blah. Well my friends, I didn't expect to see The Godfather, I expected to shut my brain off, see some blood and guts, and their great horror movie brethren tits and ass, IN 3 FUCKING D!
Now, knowing full well that I was going to see some mindless violence, I was also expecting the 3D film staple cheap pop shot, you know where someone spits water at the camera, or pokes something out at your face. Now I have to say, I was a little apprehensive, after remembering the great disappointment that was Friday the 13th 3 (also a 3-D slasher, and god was that awful) from my youth, but I pressed on.
Now that you have my expectations, I'm going to give some of you whippersnappers a lesson on the original My Bloody Valentine. This film came out in 1981 and is largely uncredited for a lot of the current horror staples you see today. It was one of the first mainstream slasher movies to mix a retarded plot, (miner goes nuts after seeing some titties with a heart shaped tattoo, kills whole town will kill whole town again if he sees more hearts) a large body count, more gore than just in the kill shot, and a whodunit twist ending. I love the original film, and it is as i like to say, craptastically delicious.
The new version isn't a remake, but more of a re-imagining of the original, and I'm cool with that. Basically its the same pizza with some new toppings.
I'll be honest, the plot was absurd, some of the acting was awful, and the twist at the end was laughable. Now you can ding any movie you want for those negatives, but if you're going to hate this movie for those reasons, I think you never should have bought tickets in the first place. Slasher movies aren't known for Oscar worthy plots or dialogue, and 3-D movies aren't either. Why would expect a 3-D slasher movie to be Citizen Kane?
I didn't, and I had more fun with this movie than anything I've seen in theaters for several years. I got what I paid for, B&G + T&A + 3-D. I was surprised however, that I didn't get cheap 3-D pop shots, but a well crafted use of the technology, that had other theater goers wriggling in their seats, and dodging the action. It was a blast.
The bottom line, don't take your kids (over the top blood, gore, violence and sex) and don't go at all if you can't just have fun. If you can, and just let it be what it is, you'll have a riot with My Bloody Valentine 3-D.
Final Verdict 3.5 "Be Mine 4ever"s out of 5