Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Many of you who are familiar with Death Walks The Streets probably know this already, but we here at Dorkgasm wanted to wait to post something until we had a clearer look at the whole picture. Boy, did we find a muddy picture, though.

OKay, so this one looks pretty bad-ass for a period piece.
Two women, hot sisters no less, fight over a king and change the world in the process...

I can dig it!

            There are movies that, when you watch them, just make you feel great. Movies that erase any tension that you feel in life and just make you feel hopeful that humanity is not the pieces of crap you think they are at every other turn in life. Love Actually is one of those movies.

            Let me start this review out in a typically sacrilegious fashion. Fuck Miracle On 34th Street. Fuck It’s A Wonderful Life. Hell, fuck even the venerated A Christmas Carol. These stories are imposters dressed in Santa-colored Glad bags. The Stupidest Angel, I say with no humor in my voice, is the Best. Christmas. Story. Ever. Period.

            The world of Tim Burton is often painted in grayscale, and Sweeny Todd is no exception. From the first title screen, Burton’s status as an auteur is secure, but there is a very distinct color in the mix this time: Blood Red. Over the next two hours, we come to witness that color in all its brutal glory. For those unfamiliar with the Stephen Sondheim masterpiece of Broadway macabre, I warn you now: Everyone bleeds red.

            While suffering through Alvin and the Chipmunks this past weekend, I spotted fellow Dorkgasm reporter Ken in the theater. We had a brief conversation afterwards, during which we both remarked that this movie sucked at life, and The Chipmunk Adventure was the far-superior film. We flipped a coin, and he lost, meaning he wrote the review for the current stinker. I, on the other hand, got to write the review for the better movie. Ain’t life grand?

            So it turns out the fine folks at Newsweek think very highly of dorks... Oh wait, they fucking don't! This week they ran an article in their magazine and online called Forty-Year-Old Virgins. In the piece, the asshole, Tony "My family was Amish" Dokoupil, goes on and on about dorks like you and I who spend thousands of dollars on collectible toys from the 1980's. He makes them out to be losers who just won't grow up, and if that were all, I'd blow it off...

We at Dorkgasm are proud to send our regards and congrats to recent graduate Chris Anderson, A.K.A. SYSOP!

Kick ass Chris!

Now let's get REALLLLLLY drunk!

This trailer comes courtesy of MySpace TV, so let's all thank them kindly.
That said, it's time for some Hellboy action...

            Have you ever wondered what goes into the mind of a Hollywood executive when they green light a movie like this? I sure have, and seeing this film has made it clear to me at last. They seek to plunder whatever characters people may have some modicum of affection for and wrap up a movie involving them for the least amount of money possible. They then go and promote the hell out of it until the resulting property is wheezing and gasping its last breath while they sit and count their money, cheerfully oblivious that they have destroyed a cherished icon. Well, that’s what Alvin and the Chipmunks tells me, at least.