Dorkgasm Gonzo Is God

Anyone who has met and spoke with me for any length of time has typically been treated to two of my favorite subjects: Star Wars and Soccer. Hell, I even confuse people here in the States by calling it football. If the subjects don’t come up somehow, then usually tattoos have in some way, and I’ve got one for each, on each shoulder. On the left is a Mandalorian emblem, and on the right is the crest for Manchester United. These facts are well known to my friends, so last week they all started sending me the same video, over and over. Even my ex-wife sent it to me in a rare show of “no one loves soccer and Star Wars more than this guy”. So then, why don’t I love the new Addidas World Cup commercial featuring Chalmun’s Cantina in Mos Eisley from Star Wars?

Pretty much the coolest idea ever

Syfy likes reimagining books and turning them into mini-series. At the end of 2007, The Wizard of Oz became Tinman, with Zooey Deschanel as DG and Neal McDonough as Cain, also known as the titular Tin Man. Last December 6th and 7th, Alice in Wonderland became Alice, the story of a black-belt who accidentally follows her boyfriend and his abductors through the looking glass and into another world. Once there, the viewers recognize that they’re not in the Wonderland from the novel. Written and directed by Nick Willing, Alice shows us what Wonderland might look like in modern times, almost 150 years after the novel was written.

Transformers 2 was the biggest piece of soulless cinematic crap this side of the centennial divide. The film was poorly written, poorly directed, and all too often “we’ll fix it in post” was used as an excuse for making a film in the same way Ed Wood used to make his “masterpieces”. Now comes word that genre favorite, Alan Tudyk, famed for dying on screen far too often, has signed on for Transformers 3. I guess he looked at it as a way to finally kill his last shred of dignity on film too.

My Gods… what have I done. This review is going to be insane.

DnD was what I cut my teeth on. It’s how I discovered roleplaying. I went over to a friend’s house one night in the wild outback of Washington State, and I woke up chewing on his book. I was about 8 years old.

I don’t know if you’ve ever watched a group of four 7 to 9 year olds play Dungeons and Dragons, or any tabletop game, but they don’t precisely follow rules. We would roll up characters, and then roll a die randomly to determine what level we were, and then just pick a bunch of spells that were cool out of the book and hurl ourselves relentlessly at random stuff included in the books.

For those of you that don’t know what DnD one looked like, here’s an archeological reference:

We didn't read this

See how it says “Read this book first” up at the top? With a fucking exclamation point? Yeah, obviously that didn’t apply to us. We picked through, tossed out all the bullshit rules (anything our 7 year old brains couldn’t comprehend) and started playing.

Well I believe it's safe to say we're all fucked, fictional characters are coming to life and assimilating with us all, RUN LIKE HELL!

     The Hangover is very much a case of the little movie that could. With a crude, smaller budget film like this, no one really expected too much out of it. Even Lindsay Lohan turned down a part because she did not think it was ever going to go anywhere. Surprisingly, The Hangover turned out to be one of the biggest hits of 2009, raking in scads of cash and assuring a career for everyone involved. I have a little history going into The Hangover. I saw it in the theater and was not terribly amused. I thought the acting was sub-par, the plot ludicrous, and the humor dumbed down to the point of being retarded. However, then I saw it again.

     When I originally heard that they were making a new movie based upon my favorite literary detective of all time, I initially had a mild spot of trepidation. I had seen most, if not all, of the previous incarnations and felt they all lacked something crucial. Then, I heard two crucial bits of news; Guy Ritchie was directing the movie and Robert Downey Jr. was playing Sherlock Holmes. My initial fears began to solidify at this point. Here was a director known for his London crime exploits and a Yankee playing a Brit! However as trailers and on-set pictures began to leak out, my mind began to convince me that this could be a joyous experience. Fortunately, I was not let down.

I remember well The Days Before Video Games. I remember frolicking along the Snake River, which wasn't actually the Snake River, but such things matter not to little boys. I remember finding different ways to bash myself against the ground at high speed involving tree swings, old Schwinn's, and just leaping into open space. I remember the dark winter night times that began almost as soon as I got off the bus from Pullman to our little old house in Albion. I remember games of push-pull in a field of thistles and nettles on the other side of the creek (or perhaps 'crick' depending on your geographic preference) that ran through our back yard. I remember Cub Scouts, and knot-work, and fire starting, and camping, and staring at the stars while wondering if the one that was moving was a satellite or if the aliens had finally come to take me away.

I remember the brief, distant rumble one morning as everything changed. I remember feeling something like that only once before in my life, when I was at my father's house and a brief tremor had rocked his small California town. The way the knick-knacks on a shelf nearby trembled, and how my stomach felt all funny. Then it had gone, just like it had in the shower that morning on May 18th, 1980. The day started normally, I went outside, played with my friends in the mud and the dirt and the thistles, coming home for lunch at about noon. A few hearty PBnJs later, there was a knock at the door. A mailman had a package for me, and like any youth-abiding lad I tore into it with all the gusto of Bill Gates ripping into an upstart computer company. I took it apart, packaging peanuts flying hither and thither, to uncover the treasure within: An Atari 2600.

With the recent surge in vampire fiction lately it is hard to know what titles are actually going to be worth it and which ones should be placed in the circular file with all of their shimmery goodness. Barb Hendee’s Hunting Memories is one of those stories I can actually encourage you to take the time to read. Not only because it is a far superior work to some of the vampire work (coughtwilightcough) out there, but because it is innovative and fun all on it’s own.

So the year kicks off with some seriously cool stuff playing before the movies. Yeah, 2009 sucked balls, and we know it. Let's take a look at Hollywood's first attempt to make up for hosing us last year!

Click below to see trailers and reviews for: The A-Team, Iron Man 2, Kick-Ass, Cop Out, Karate Kid, Knight & Day, Repo Men, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Clash of the Titans, Robin Hood, Kick-Ass (red-band).